KopTalk’s Greatest Hits

Duncan Oldham tells so many lies on KopTalk that even he can’t keep track of them all, which has provided us with countless moments of unintentional hilarity since this blog began.

But there is a downside. Over the past four years, documenting this Everest of bullshit has required more than 800 articles and almost 15,000 comments. There’s a danger that Oldhams’s most deranged, pathetic and disgusting lies get lost in the swill of his routine, everyday bullshit.

So we’ve been trawling through the archives to put together what you might call KopTalk’s Greatest Hits. These are the moments when Oldham reveals his true colours, when he proves beyond doubt that he’s an unhinged fantasist who will say and do anything if he feels it will earn him money or attract attention.

Above all, they show the contempt with which Oldham views Liverpool fans. You can imagine him laughing his head off as he types this garbage, confident that he can insult our intelligence and still dupe us out of our money.

Oldham’s career in bullshitting has been nothing if not prolific. With such an extensive back catalogue, including the much-loved golden oldies Chris Waddle Has Offered To Sell Me His Melwood House and Someone Made A Bid Of £1.3 Million For A 10% Stake In KopTalk – And I Turned Them Down, we didn’t think we could do justice to the great man with just a single collection. So we’ll be giving him the multi-volume treatment he so richly deserves. Think of this as Duncan Oldham: The Best Of – Volume One.

And for any current KopTalk members reading this – do you ever get the feeling you’ve been conned?

Should I Buy A Melwood Property Overlooking The Training Pitches, Or One Overlooking The Gates? (3 July 2006)

“A lot will depend on where we buy. I fancy a house overlooking the training pitches but I also know that having the gate monitored would be very handy. It’s all down to wonga. I was quoted £250k today for a house at the gates and £150k for a house that overlooks the pitches.

Do we want a CCTV on the gates fed into our office or a webcam showing the lads training?”

Chris Waddle Has Offered To Sell Me His Melwood House (4 July 2006)

“Former England ace Chris Waddle has offered to sell me his house. It’s located close to Melwood and is on the market at £300,000. We’re going to go and see it within the next week. “

I’ve Put A Potential New Liverpool FC CEO In Touch With George Gillett And Tom Hicks (19 May 2007)

“GG and TH have no experience of the football so they can’t just replace him with a man who has no experience either. I know that a MASSIVE proven CEO is in the running as I have acted as a go between putting him and GG and TH intouch. Whether anything comes of it I have no idea.

What I’m saying is I was approached to put someone in touch with GG and TH. What they do now (if anything) is none of my business. I simply exchanged an introductory email.

If this person is mooted in the media at any time I’ll let you know if it was him.

This guy is from one of Europe’s biggest and most succesful football clubs. richt should know who it is but he’d better remain tight lipped or I’ll lose my knees.

Liverpool Legends Call Me When They’re Playing In Golf Tournaments So Stan Boardman Can Have A Quick Word (4 July 2006)

I remember when there was a former players golf tournament on. Dalglish, Roy Evans, Ronnie Moran were all there (Ireland) and one of them called me and put Stan Boardman on… man he was sooooo funny. Is that koptalk dot dot dash dash dot dot com dot dash

Eeeeh… those were the days

I Have A Tape Recording Of Peter Crouch Giving An Interview To The S*n (1 June 2006)

Crouch talks to The Sun

Dunk KopTalk Daddy
Well, well, well… only days after I was told by Rushian that Liverpool players DO NOT talk to The Sun, after I said that they did, I see Crouch was talking to them about his dance.

Rushian is a tedious Rafa Can Do No Wrong militant bore, *however* tabs will often use phrases like “he told Paper X…” in order to make it sound like a one-to-one conversation and/ or exclusive, when in actual fact it was nothing of the sort.

Dunk KopTalk Daddy
No Brendan, I have the proof right here, I have the tapes. I’m going to lock them away until I decide it’s time for Crouch to be sold… probably next week then.

I’ve Been Speaking To Rafa – He Confided In Me And Said That He Won’t Be Moving To Real Madrid (5 Dec 2005)

Steven Gerrard isn’t going anywhere but what about Rafa? Believe the reports and Real Madrid are targeting him. I spoke to him before the weekend and he spoke from the heart about what he wants to achieve at the club. He won’t quit, even though money talks.

Someone Offered Me £1.3 Million For KopTalk – And I Turned Them Down (Dec 2003)

An offer of £1.3million was rejected for the site which cost less than £100 to get off the ground. Instead he opted to battle on which proved to be the best decision of his life.

Once this book is out of the way, Duncan plans to write a book giving advice and tips on how to become an internet millionaire from your own home. He often helps the editors of other club websites and attends the odd seminar to offer tips and advice to keen hobbyists.

I’ve Been Speaking To Steven Gerrard – He Confided In Me And Revealed All Regarding This Summer’s Transfer Activity (31 May 2006)

Spoke to Stevie yesterday. He was very confident about the World Cup etc. As regards Anfield matters he was convinced that Rafa was the man to bring the title home. He still spoke highly of Ged and said he spoke to him every month or so.

On the transfer front he said he talked about how much he’d love to be re-united with Michael Owen. He didn’t give much away about the chances of that, probably because he knows about as much as we do in that Mike wants to come home but Rafa is in no rush to do that.

He reckoned that Rafa has spoken to him in depth about the value and importance of home grown talent and players that were physical enough for the Premier League.

Gerrard seemed to think that Defoe would make a good signing but there was no mention of Bellamy. We discussed possible overseas signings that could lead the attack and he said he’d been impressed with Kuyt but didn’t know that much about him. He did say though that Ron Yeats was forever banging on about him.

Oh and he’s had a complimentary Gold Club sub for 2 years but said he’d never been on once because he doesn’t understand how the computer works and he never has any time. He said computers are for squares or in my case ’rounds’. I was going to chin him but I thought I’d best not

The Offer Was Actually £1.3 Million For A 10% Stake In KopTalk – And I Still Turned Them Down
(April 2007)

During the years Dunk was approached many times by companies keen to tap into that success and help them establish other websites. He refused to sell KopTalk in 2000 and even rejected an offer of £1.3million for a 10% stake at the time.

I’ve Been Speaking To Michael Owen – He Confided In Me As Well (Mar 16 2006)

Michael Owen’s agent is already in hush hush talks with Rick Parry. The duo are discussing the technicalities of the player’s deal. Michael CAN walk out on Newcastle in the summer.

How do I know this?

Because Michael told me HIMSELF. One of my mates is attached to his sister (not by paperclips or tape) – can’t say any more than that. Shouldn’t be too hard to work out who my mate is if people know the family around Michael. I don’t think the long timers here expect me to justify this but I’ll mention it anyway.

Posted in Duncan Oldham, Koptalk - Lies, The Insider. Comments Off on KopTalk’s Greatest Hits
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