We don’t really want to inspire a glut of KopTalk-esque scam sites – one is more than enough – but we are very interested in showing you how unsophisticated the KopTalk con is. Pretty much anybody reading this could pull it off, if you had no qualms about telling cynical lies to Liverpool fans in order to dupe us out of our money.
First, you have to trawl through the BBC Football Gossip pages and the offal’s Media Watch section to compile a list of the players rumoured to be joining and leaving Liverpool since the last summer transfer window closed. These are the potential moves that have been reported in the national press and on mainstream internet sites:
Jan Oblak (Olimpija Ljubljana), Adam Federici (Reading), Dida (AC Milan), Wayne Hennessey (Wolves).
Ryan Shawcross (Stoke City), Matthew Upson (West Ham), Christian Landu Landu (Viking), Simon Kjaer (Palermo), Herita Ilunga (West Ham left-back), Nicolas Hernan Otamendi (Velez Sarsfield), Bruno Ecuele Manga (Angers SCO), Vasilis Torosidis (Olympiakos right-back), Richard Stearman (Wolves right-back/centre half), Nedum Onuoha (Manchester City), Taye Taiwo (Marseille left-back), Rod Fanni (Rennes fullback), Adil Rami (Lille), Steven Mouyokolo (Hull City), Danny Wilson (Rangers), Aleksandar Kolarov (Lazio left-back), Moussa Kouyate (Paris FC), Gary Cahill (Bolton), Christoph Metzelder (Real Madrid, since signed for Schalke), Nicolas Otamendi (Velez Sarsfield), Madjid Bougherra (Rangers), Micah Richards (Manchester City), Phil Jones (Blackburn), Jan Vertonghen (Ajax), Reto Ziegler (Sampdoria), Sylvinho (Manchester City).
Angel Di Maria (Benfica winger), Antoine Griezmann (Real Sociedad winger), Keisuke Honda (then of Dutch club VVV-Venlo, signed for CSKA Moscow in January), Jano Ananidze (Spartak Moscow), Vladimir Koman (Sampdoria, currently on loan at Bari), Juan Mata (Valencia), Eljero Elia (Hamburg), Milos Krasic (CSKA Moscow), Adam Johnson (Middlesbrough, since moved to Man City), Rafael Van der Vaart (Real Madrid), Hernanes (Sao Paulo), Yaya Toure (Barcelona – part exchange in a deal for Mascherano), Lassana Diarra (Real Madrid), Sebastian Giovinco (Juventus), Mahamadou Diarra (Real Madrid), Patrick Vieira (Inter, who later moved to Man City), Victor Moses (Crystal Palace, ended up going to Wigan in January), Arda Turan (Galatasaray), Scott Parker (West Ham), Nicolas Lodeiro (Nacional, signed for Ajax in January), James Milner (Aston Villa), Jeremy Menez (Roma), Sergio Canales (Racing Santander attacking midfielder, announced in February that he will sign for Real Madrid in July), Tom Cairney (Hull), Stephen Ireland (Man City), Mark Davies (Bolton), Steven Pienaar (Everton), Ibrahim Afellay (PSV), Javi Martinez (Athletic Bilbao), Joe Cole (Chelsea), Juan Manuel Vargas (Fiorentina winger), Eden Hazard (Lille), Georginio Wijnaldum (Feyenoord), Lee Chung-Yong (Bolton), David Silva (Valencia), Guti (Real Madrid), Michael Johnson (Manchester City), Royston Drenthe (Real Madrid), Joe Cole (Chelsea), Ever Banega (Valencia), Mesut Ozil (Werder Bremen), Caner Erkin (CSKA Moscow), Jesus Navas (Sevilla), David Bentley (Tottenham), Felipe Melo (Juventus), Valon Behrami (West Ham), James Milner (Aston Villa).
David Villa (Valencia), Emile Heskey (Aston Villa), Nilton (Vasco da Gama), Dieumerci MBokani (Standard Liege), Carlton Cole (West Ham), Roman Pavlyuchenko (Spurs), Aaron Hunt (Werder Bremen), Eduardo (Arsenal), Connor Wickham (Ipswich), Bojan Krkic (Barcelona – part exchange in a deal for Mascherano), Ruud van Nistelrooy (Real Madrid, since signed for Hamburg), Keirrison (then at Benfica, on loan from Barcelona, since signed 18-month loan deal with Fiorentina), Cedric Mongongu (Monaco), James Beattie (Stoke City), Kenwyne Jones (Sunderland), Roque Santa Cruz (Man City), Erik Huseklepp (SK Brann), Goran Pandev (Lazio, moved to Inter in January), Frederic Piquionne (Portsmouth, on loan from Lyon), Luis Suarez (Ajax), Louis Saha (signed a two-year extension to his deal at Everton in February), Nikola Zigic (Valencia), Klaas-Jan Huntelaar (AC Milan), Milan Jovanovic (Standard Liege, announced he would join us but still tbc), Alexander Jacobsen (14-year-old Danish forward), Kevin Kuranyi (Schalke), John Cofie (Manchester United), Hugo Rodallega (Wigan), Manuel Gavilan (Real Betis), Raul (Real Madrid), Mario Balotelli (Inter), Diego Forlan (Atletico Madrid), Carlos Tevez (Manchester City), Karim Benzema (Real Madrid), Kristoffer Peterson (Savedalens IF), Haris Vuckic (Newcastle United), Alexis Sanchez (Udinese), Mamadou Niang (Marseille), Vincenzo Iaquinta (Juventus), Emmanuel Adebayor (Man City), Giampaolo Pazzini (Sampdoria), Giuseppe Rossi (Villareal), Adriano (Flamengo), Edin Dzeko (Wolfsburg), Diego Tardelli (Atletico Mineiro).
Steven Gerrard (Real Madrid, Barcelona, AC Milan and Inter Milan), Fernando Torres (Man City, Chelsea, Barcelona and Juventus), Javier Mascherano (Barcelona, Juventus, Man City, Chelsea and Inter Milan), Dirk Kuyt (Juventus), Yossi Benayoun (Man City, Lokomotiv Moscow, Dinamo Moscow, Roma, Spurs, Aston Villa, Sevilla and Chelsea), Fabio Aurelio (to Olympiakos and AC Milan), Ryan Babel (half the clubs in Europe), Damien Plessis (Lazio Genoa and AEK Athens), Martin Skrtel (Juventus), Albert Riera, Alberto Aquilani (Fiorentina, Juventus), Diego Cavalieri (Benfica), Dani Pacheco (Celtic, loan), Krisztian Nemeth (to remain on loan with AEK Athens), Nabil El Zhar (AEK Athens, loan), Chris Mavinga (AEK Athens, loan), Thomas Ince (Chelsea), Jay Spearing (Leicester).
Next you need to invent some ludicrously-named aliases. We’ve gone for Pilkington, Wallet and The Informer. Depending on how much cider you’ve drunk, you now have to either strongly imply or boldly state that these aliases are in fact high-profile figures associated with Liverpool FC. We’ve decided that Pilkington is Christian Purslow, The Informer is Tony Barrett and Wallet may or may not be Philip Nash.
We’ve no idea why these people would be passing on classified information to members of a football forum that doesn’t even feature in Alexa’s list of the top 40 LFC sites. It doesn’t make any sense at all, but we aren’t going to let that stop us.
The third step is to create your own “insider” phrasebook. Here are a few tips to get you up and running:
- Use Google to find out the names of the agents looking after some of the players we have been linked with. Then post something like “[agent’s name] is at Melwood as I post this” or “Liverpool officials are in [name of country] to meet with [agent’s name]”
- “I’m dying to tell you more but I’ve been sworn to secrecy by my source.”
- The following words should be used as much as humanly possible: If, could, should, might, may, possibly, or, unless, although, but, probably, perhaps, also.
- “[Player 1] and [Player 2] are keen but they have to fall into line with Liverpool’s wage structure.”
- Talk in vague terms about vast sums of money being transfered by the club into foreign holding accounts.
- Talk about “transfer summits”. Always state, for no discernible reason, that they have been delayed or brought forward.
- “We knew about today’s developments all along, but couldn’t tell you about them because [insert ludicrous excuse].”
- “Not sure if this is publicly known but my source states that [insert something that is already publicly known].”
- “I have to be careful not to give away the source so what I will say is that…”
- If members react negatively to info posted by one of your aliases, just log in as a different alias and post that the opposite is true.
- “KOPTALK EXPOSED SOURCES have revealed that [insert rumour that has already appeared in the national press earlier that day].”
Put the three together and you can begin crapping out nonsense like this for £36+ a year:
02/06/10 02:48 PM Secret meeting scheduled in Rome this evening
The_Informer KopTalk VIP
Liverpool officials – *NOT* agents, these are employes of the club – travelled to Italy last night. They are due to meet with Aleksandar Kolarov and another player later today. I’m dying to tell you more but I’ve been sworn to secrecy by my source. I’ll try to post another update in a few days.
07/07/10 010:33 AM ***IMPORTANT UPDATE***
At last week’s delayed transfer summit a provisional budget of £21.5m was agreed. Don’t know yet how Rafa feels about this figure. I’m told it could go up depending on specific players’ availability. Two other points you should know about:
1. Arda Turan and Milos Krasic are keen but they have to fall into line with Liverpool’s wage structure.
2. Gines Carvajal is at Melwood this m orning.
01/08/10 09:51 PM Two deals nearing completion
Not sure if this is publicly known but my source states that Nikola Zigic is being seriously considered IF we sign our first choice left-back and left midfielder. Also heard that talks are ongoing with Hamburg about Eljero Elia.
You can repeat the same trick for the manager and the investment/ownership situation and away you go.
Admittedly, the vast majority of the LFC fan community will view you with mocking amusement, contempt and disgust. You’ll never again be able to truly relax, because the paying members of your forum could begin seeing through your lies at any given moment. The vulnerable young teenagers you groom to work on your site will eventually wise up and do a runner. Your wife will leave you, you’ll become estranged from your kids and you’ll have to flee the UK for a country you clearly despise. But it will all be worth it, right?