Koptalk – last with the news. As always.

Duncan Oldham has taken another grand or so of the money he collected “for Lauren” last year, which is of course mixed in with the money he gets from subscriptions, and which he doesn’t tell the DSS he’s got (after all, he is “unwaged”), and has gone to Spain.

Is he part of the media? No. A guest of the club? No. A guest of the owners? No. A guest of the players? No. Welcome? No.

He’s not allowed near the training, he’s not welcome. He’s not got any contacts within the club.

The visit to La Manga is a stunt he’s carrying out. He tells his readers it’s all “for you” – yet then he puts the videos out on free sites like LiveVideo and YouTube.

They pay £30, everybody gets to see them. There is no other product of the trips Dunk goes on using his members (and Lauren’s) money. Does anybody know what you get for your £30 these days? Apart from the knowledge you’ve helped Dunk get fatter?

Proof that Dunk has no access to the club’s party in Spain in any way shape or form can be seen here. A member posts this at 12.19pm, no doubt having found it on a genunie media outlet’s website, or even the official site (I’ve not checked).

#169851 – Today at 12:19 PM
Bolo injured and on crutches
Dave69 Dave69
KopTalk Member
Registered: 27/02/06
Posts: 1535
Loc: Alcatraz
Whilst he aint my cup of tea – he did good job in semi.

This could limit our plans and force Harry to start or Gerrad on left….

BOLO ZENDEN’S Champions League dreams could be shattered after he picked up an ankle injury at Liverpool’s training camp in La Manga.

The Dutch midfielder, who had been earmarked to start against AC Milan next week, was on crutches last night and was today rated very doubtful for the final.

Manager Rafa Benitez has stopped short of declaring Zenden out of the running and says he’ll give the player as much time as possible to recover.

But it now looks like the boss must reassess his selection plans.

I’m not faulting the poster for cutting and pasting that, it happens on most forums, although most forums actually allow their members to name the site they got it from. Koptalk members must first read the “Acceptable Use Policy” to ensure it’s a site they are allowed to talk about before they mention it. Woe betide anyone who mentions a “rival” website on Koptalk.

So there’s Dunk, thousands of pounds (of someone else’s money) lighter, and he has to rely on his members to find out what’s happening to our players. Hardly what his members expect really. Of course fatty being fatty, he realises how much of a (fat) arse this makes him look and so tries to pretend he knew all along. “Latest from La Manga” he says….

#169935 – 8 minutes 33 seconds ago (approximately 13:33 in that case then)
Latest from La Manga
Dunk Dunk Administrator
KopTalk.com
Registered: 20/08/04
Posts: 19223
Liverpool midfielder Bolo Zenden is sitting out training after taking a knock during last night’s final session.

Zenden was in agony after hurting his ankle. He later boarded the bus with great difficulty due to the fact he was on crutches.

As previously reported by KopTalk, Pepe Reina has recovered well from his injury and will be available for the final. See our last video to see him diving without problems.

Midfielder Xabi Alonso continues to look a little rough despite the fact that he should be fine under the hot Spanish sun.

Harry Kewell and Peter Crouch continue to impress the most.

Great work Dunk. Excellent work. Your members must be pleased with that £30 they spent on you now.

You are thick. How thick do you think they are? You were posting last night. You said nothing about Zenden. You finally posted a video of you and Steve at 5am this morning, and still no mention of Zenden. An hour after one of your members posts the info from the mainstream media you suddenly pretend you knew all along! Looking forward to your post later on about how you “couldn’t reveal any information about Zenden because you were asked not to” or some other bullshit.

As for the video he spent all night putting together, there’s no sign of the LFC coach, or players on crutches. Here’s my review of the Koptalk video from La Manga.

(Times shown are those seen in the LiveVideo window)

11:09 – that’s a bad sign. These counters count down meaning there’s over 11 minutes of tripe to come.

10:35 – After panning round a few times to show us the complex, without any sign of Liverpool players, we get to see a very pissed-off and chubby looking Steve in his “Finnan 3” shirt, probably with his “Titus Bramble” shirt underneath. Worse than that, we also get to hear Dunk’s first joke. In fact Dunk’s voice is probably the worst thing so far. A small box that probably contains some electrics for the complex is referred to as being a £10 a night room that he and Steve nearly slept in. “I thought there might have been problems with the sleeping arrangements, you and me in there” says Dunk, never one to miss out on a chance to refer to his relationship with Steve and inneundo about homosexuality. “Imagine farting in there?” ask Steve, “Yeh (sic) I can actually.” replies Dunk.

10.07 – Only a minute gone? I thought time went slowly when you were 1-0 up and a game had gone into stoppage time. But that minute was difficult. Oh wait. I think we’ve another joke about to hit us. “No Aprochar / No Chipping” says the sign. “No chipping?” asks Dunk, as I brace myself for the side-splitter to come, “Does that mean like you can’t peel a potato and that and like do some chips?” He’s like Chubby Brown isn’t he? Except fatter, smellier and thicker. Oh and yes – Chubby Brown’s made people laugh on purpose.

09:56 – “I can’t believe the quality of the greens down there” says Fat Dunk, who’s only just realised that golf can be played in real life and not just on an X Box that he forgot to send to a competition winner. He also pans to a (very) distant building and says “There’s our digs over there”. For a moment it looks they’ve actually managed to get Scarborough’s fattest reject to do some exercise for once in his life and go for a walk. Then he pans round to the car parked ten yards away.

08:38 – “Could be at work nar yar nar” mumbles Oldham, his flab restricting his speech as ever. “Oh I suppose we are” he gloats, remembering that his benefits are paying his rent and his members are paying for this trip. Still no proof he ever paid Lauren her thousands, he’s not got time to do that. A knackered Dunk forces himself into the car, probably having to force his left cheek in with his hand.

08:22 – A view of the sea and some unintelligible jabbering from those wobbling jowls.

07:59 – Still looking at the sea. Over a quarter of the way through this so-called Liverpool fan site’s so-called Liverpool video filmed by the so-called Liverpool fans and we’ve had nothing to do with Liverpool yet. Just a (boring) holiday video from a couple of tits.

07:45 – Well you probably guessed what I was going to say next. The two tits use a super-long zoon to film a woman’s tits. They’ve had to zoom in so far that the shot is wobbling about faster and more erratically than Dunk’s man-boobs when he drives over a speed-bump. The members will be delighted that their thirty quids have paid for a long distance view of someone’s tits. You can get porn free on the net if you want it, and it’s not filmed by the shaky hand of a 17-year-old seeing a pair of real tits for the first time in his life. (Especially when they work out that these videos, the only product of his costly trips overseas, are all available for free anyway. How can he justify charging for membership when this is about the only thing the membership is paying for?)

07:22 – Lovers’ tiff as the two “brothers” have a row. Again it’s pretty difficult to understand, Dunk’s flab making his voice sound something like the noise a whale makes when it farts. Or at least how I’d imagine a whale to sound when it farts – I’ve not heard one fart. If I’m not mistaken we’re probably about to get a joke here. I can work out that the less chubby Steve is saying he’s desperate for the loo, and they’ve just driven past the bit they drove past a few seconds earlier. Can we take this joke?

06:44 – After saying something along the lines of “You can’t do this at La Manga, we’ll be chucked out” Dunk drives forward, still filming, and zooms in on a sign saying, “Strictly no Dumping”. I’m seriously going to have to see someone about these split sides. Especially by the way the keep it going that bit longer with “You’ll have to wait” and “Can I not just take the sign down?” And then a nonsensical “You’ll have to tie a knot in it” How do you tie a knot in an arsehole? Then again, Dunk’s an arsehole and frequently ties himself up in knots as he tries to remember which lie he told when.

05:15 – Unable to film the players training from close quarters, because of the fact that they are pretty much despised by LFC and the majority of LFC Fans who’ve heard of them, they are forced to find a bar that overlooks the training facilities. Beats standing on wheely bins I suppose, but as ever it’s the only way Oldham can get near our players. Remember – he’s got no contacts at the club, he’s not welcome. Oldham pans between two glasses of cider and his under-age half-brother and says, “We’ll have to stay here all day and put this down as expenses”. As if he actually keeps any accounts of where his money goes…

03:52 – After a bit of footage of a very distant vehicle, probably police but it’s so far away it’s hard to tell, the excitement for all watching Liverpool fans (especially anyone who paid £30 for this) is getting out of hand. Finally there’s some footage of a Liverpool training session. I think. What we see is almost certainly the top-half of various Liverpool coaches and players, but it’s too far away to be certain.

03:40 – Exciting coverage of a TV camera. You can’t beat this. Fatty’s probably disappointed by the fact that the TV camera in question is on a tripod and looks like it cost a fair few quid. It’s a professional camera, and the operator probably gets some decent coverage.

03:30 – Unlike Oldham, who shows us more shaky coverage of the top-half of some people wearing what looks like LFC training gear. It’s impossible to tell who’s who. In fact the wobbling is getting worse. The cider’s kicked in and Fatty’s probably worn out now, having got off his arse more than three times today.

02:45 – It’s getting better. We can see the top AND bottom halves of some people wearing what looks like LFC training gear now. It’s still extremely shaky though, but not as shaky as Oldham’s claims last summer that he had a tape of Peter Crouch talking to the S*n, that he was going to use to end the career of the player he despised.

02:15 – That must be it. We’re now treated to a closer view, but of people who’d also been watching the training from a distance. And it’s still shaky. And pretty irrelevant.

01:57 – Oh no – there’s more long-distance footage of those unrecognisable faces in LFC training gear. From the fact that it’s a bald figure, diving to catch a ball, I’d guess it’s Pepe Reina. Then again it could be the Italian referee Mr Collina, beloved by Everton fans.

01:18. That definitely is it. We’ve now got a bit of information that the road’s bumpy. And some dirty laughs from Oldham, the reasons for which it’s impossible to make out. He shouts “Ola”. That Spanish course he went on clearly paying off. If you’re new to the blog you probably don’t remember him saying he was having Spanish lessons to help him keep up with what Rafa was saying in any Spanish interviews. Stop laughing! A female voice replies “Ola”, possibly from a golf cart he’s just overtaken, but this camera is still shakier than the excuses Dunk used for selling his FA Cup tickets to a “fellow Red” for £1600 last year. Then we get treated to “For sure!” shouted by the gobby Geordie-wannabe.

00:45. Nearly over. We cut to Steve counting money. I’ve a feeling another joke’s on its way here. But no. It’s just Steve, underage, buying cider, in a bar showing the UEFA Cup final from Wednesday. Dunk promised his readers this video at about 10pm last night. It appeared at around 5am this morning. Where’ all the coverage of the players training Dunk? Interviews with the players? What? You aren’t allowed near?

Well there’s a surprise.

The sad thing is that people are generally of a trusting nature. Dunk’s false claims of “they’re attacking my family” get him sympathy from those who just don’t expect a fellow Liverpool fan to be so focussed on conning them. Practically everything he does is a con. Whether it’s the more minor claim of “I swap emails with Steven Gerrard” or the more serious con of “These football are signed by Liverpool players, not me and Steve”, it’s a con.

He’ll stop soon, he’ll have little choice, and it’s fun to see him burning the money up so quickly. It’s a shame it might be gone before Lauren finds out exactly how much money she should have had, even as recently as last summer. But that in itself is a shame for him – he’s no friends and soon he’ll have no family. Steve’s still young enough to grow a mind of his own and see what he’s a part of, to try and make a living for himself that will keep the money coming in beyond the end of this summer. Katrina’s not as daft as she acts I’m sure, and maybe she’ll give college another bash or find a job she can do without having to rely on helping to steal money from others (or she could get a job in a bank, at a push, and carry on stealing money from others). Maria might go one step further in her escape from Dunk and make the divorce final, and warn social services about how Dunk’s fantasies involving 12-year-old girls.

All that will be left will be Dunk and his mam, trying to work out their next scam, trying to work out who to go and see together at “business meetings” in their attempts to con someone else. Except the longer he spins Koptalk out, the more notorious he gets. His name won’t be forgotten in a hurry. So nobody will fall for their cons. Except each other, as they try to trick each other out of the last biscuit or the last pie, or who gets to read the paper first. And we all know which paper that is, don’t we?

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7 Responses to “Koptalk – last with the news. As always.”

  1. rupertinsider Says:

    If people want genuine “inside” information from LFC they should log in here. We can’t tell everything yet. But maybe a little. For example my source – lets call him Big Cheese – tells me that Oldham is considered a detestable bozo and a pest and LFC security are on the watch to stop him intruding where he is not wanted.

    Oldham will be glad to hear that we played our part in making it difficult for him and we never spent a penny.

  2. lfc_michael Says:

    It’s ironic that the only service he provides that involves any real time and financial investment is one that he makes free to all. Despite what he tells his members, those awful videos aren’t for them, they’re intended to promote the site, though how anyone can watch and be tempted to subscribe is beyond me.

    I’d be surprised if the net effect of each new video isn’t a decline in membership. How many decide not to renew each time, in disgust at the antics they’re funding?

  3. chapeau du soleil Says:

    Kin ‘ell I-I, you took one for the team having to sit through that shite!

  4. Stabilized Says:

    I’m not sure how true is this as it’s a one-sided story to me & it seems they are dark & ugly as accused.

    I was nearly signed up for the service but decided not to as I felt it was not worth the money.

  5. sospanred Says:

    Stabilized

    “I’m not sure how true is this as it’s a one-sided story to me & it seems they are dark & ugly as accused.

    I was nearly signed up for the service but decided not to as I felt it was not worth the money”

    No sh*t sherlock 😀

    Take your time, look around, read up.

  6. Lloyd Says:

    Just found the McNeish clip from after the match (not sure if i’ll get this link right) seems like he doesn’t know where “his mates” are either.
    3rd video here…
    ITN news clips

  7. Lloyd Says:

    Sorry about the stretch – i’m sure you can sort it out.


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