Dame Dunkin's Kristmas Podcast from the Kop

by Rupert Insider

dame.jpg

I love kids. Even Baby Jesus. Its not his fault he’s a foreigner. We’ve got a lot of them in our street – too many if yer ask me. But lets leave off that for now – its Xmas init? Best left to another pogrom – I mean podcast.

I just think he would be better off in his own country. They’re bound to have an Alder Hey over there in Irak. Sounds a bit Jewish doesn’t it – “Alder” – Larry Alder was a Jew wasn’t he?

I’ve nothing against them, myself. If they’ve got thirty quid and show me respect, all are welcome in Kraptalk. It’s like one big happy family.

But I’d have to be careful – the Jews don’t buy Mercedes, do they? No offence, mind, but I wish they’d forget all that holly cost stuff – it does me ‘ead in. The Gerries bombed the chippie on our street corner (got that from me mate, Stan Boardman) but I don’t hold no grudge. Life’s too fuckin’s short – know what I mean? I get on with everyone, as long as they show me respect.

I was in the army once – on the Rhine. Learnt a few useful phrases in their lingo like “hallo fraulien, want a rape?”. I’ve got dozens of pick-up techniques like that. Barmaids love me.

I wrote it up on me site . But those fuckin bloggers took the piss, so no more, thanks very much. If you want me pick-up tips give us a call 50p a minute and we’ll sort you out. Or use me Adult Date Finder. I’ll still cash- in, either way.

I did well in Germany – I can gobble a weiner as well as the next Kraut. To be honest Hitler wasn’t as bad as he was made out to be – you’ve got to have a “Daddy who know best” running things otherwise the PC types would take over – know what I mean? If Adolf was alive today I’d give ‘im a job as a mod on my site – but keep me eye on him, know what I mean?

Foreigners – except for scousers – are easier to deal with than our lot. Scousers are miserable whining gits. I’ve made their friggin Kop famous. When you think of all I’ve done for them and what thanks do I get! They act like they’re pure English, like us. Half of them are fuckin Irish, and the rest are Welsh or other mongrel breeds.

I’ve had to stop going to Anfield – the little scally bastards want three pounds now for minding yer car. They’ve no fuckin consideration for the unwaged.

Anyway back to the other foreigners – they’re easier to deal with because you never have to meet them – just virtually, like. I had a few of them in India do me a new design for me site. They were almost like us – and so cheap with it! They made me feel like a fuckin maharajah. I like a bit of respect – know what I mean? And if there’s a misunderstanding they never bother you with small claim courts and all that shite.

Not that I’m against the rule of law. That’s what make us English – innit? I even know a Charity Commissioner – in full uniform. He saves me a spot in the car park behind the Bingo on Wednesday nights. I slip him a tenner – but that’s just me , I’m like that – and 10p goes a long way for a pensioner.

I think we should abolish religion don’t you? By the way, that was one of me best threads this year on Kraptalk – earned 40-50 hits. Seriously, we don’t allow alternative religions on Kraptalk. We give them my Golden Rule and if they don’t like it they can fuck off.

Anyway did you see me usenet ad for Muslim prayer beads and what not? I think their cloaks would make me bum look smaller – and that black frock for the wife with the post-box slit – suits me. Keep ’em in their place if you ask me.

A Muslim cloak is gonna be useful in the corridors of Anfield – especially now it’s owned by Sheik DIC . He’s got a lot of kiddie camel drivers. I want special access up the back passage . I’ve got something he wants. But he has to give me “Insider” info from “Horse” in his stables. Might be a nice little earner for the site. I can’t say what the deal is – but Dunk don’t shovel no horseshit – and you can blog that!

Did I mention I’m writing a script for a movie? The draft title is “Father forgive them for they know not what they do”. A lot of people have wrote in about how those bloggers crucify me. But, like Christ, I turn the other cheek. “Kiss my fat arse”, I tell them.

But I’m like that. You’ll often see me walking about like a common kraptalker – well not reel often, like – and not walkin exactly – but you know what I mean.

Anyway I’m going back to the States in the new year. Smoovie and me are taking a Greyhound from New York to LA to pitch me script to Mike Jeffries.

I don’t want to give the story away, like – unless you want to send me a fiver – but its about a big-boned officer-cleaner-cum-security-guard who makes good. It follows him in his struggle against the suits as he establishes the No. 1 supporters site in the world with LFC. From that he achieves his ultimate dream – a Newcastle FC site! That’s where Part 1 ends. In the second movie he gets a Real Madrid site. In Parts 3 he gets his own Mercedes dealership and his insane scouse hitmen kill a bunch of bloggers.

It may be a tad controversial. But that’s what my site is all about. Drop a hand- grenade among the suckers and walk away. Its good for the hits.

Like this SUN crap – yes, you blogging scum, I’m not afraid to spell it out without an asterisk – SUN. They say my site is the only one that does not support the boycott of the SUN after the inquiry said it was the Yorkshire police who were to blame for what happened at Hillsborough. I see it different. My site is the only one what is independent. The fact that my dad was in the Yorkshire police has nothing to do with it.

Ok I’ll be thinking of you lot over Chrimbo – like fuck I will!

Watch the diet, right? You don’t all want to be on disablity benefits like me, do you? Its no fun hiding in the garden shed dressed up as Katie and wearing her wig when the benefits fraud inspectors come sniffing around yer house. If it wasn’t for me Muslim gear I’d never be able to get out and about.

But I need to, because of my real estate development lark. I’ve just bought several new properties – they’re only PO boxes, like, but it’s a start.

Katie – she’s only 18 – tells me the Reds are playing over the holidays. Steve will let me know if anything happens. I’m not bothered really. I hope the best team wins. That’s why I’m different from the owners of rival sites – I’m neutral about LFC.

I’m planning a new charidee appeal. Steve mastered Elisha Scott’s signature with his felt tip – so we’ll be offering a set of signed photos. We’ll get twice the price if its for charidee – so anyone got a paralysed cousin?

Anyway, on behalf of meself and ALL the royal family – me ma, me step-dad, me step-brother, bless ‘im, and me kids – and I’ll put a bullet in the brain of anyone who attacks them – I wish you all, wherever you are, a happy and holy Christmas (except you fuckin bloggers – but keep doing it – I could do with the publicity).

(Was that a take, dearie? OK spin the national anthem disc. Let the suckers stand for me. I like a bit of respect. While it’s on I’ll ‘ave a reet good scratch of me crotch . Those knickers I bought at Disco’s for 19.99 are sucking right up).

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6 Responses to “Dame Dunkin's Kristmas Podcast from the Kop”

  1. Insider Insider Says:

    Excellent transcript Rupert.

  2. Jason Says:

    Duncan, you are a disgrace and a con woman of the lowest order. Repent your sins & give all the money you’ve earned through ripping off people to charity (& not the Koptalk charity).

  3. JT Says:

    This one made orange juice shoot out of my nose!

  4. jj_sawyer Says:

    interesting point there about the Yorkshire police and Hillsborough. I totally forgot that his dad was in the Yorkshire constab, maybe there’s more to this.

    Great satire though Rup, although its the exact kind of thing he would write without thinking and then delete mysteriously, which makes it even more satirical.

  5. rupertinsider Says:

    jj

    As for his father – he claims was in the Yorkshire police but he could have been a traffic warden for all I know. The Hillsborough Inquiry found the South Yorkshire Police were responsible. I don’t know if Oldham senior was in the North or South – possible the North if he was living in Scarborough at the time. But its also possible that he was in the unified Yorkshire constabulary before it was divided up.

    Not many know Oldham was in the army. He keeps really quiet about it, but let it slip once. That was before his career as office cleaner and security guard. He also boasted he spoke German. He doesn’t – but I put two and two together to make up the bit about his posting “on the Rhine”.

    For overseas readers the UK talks about its forces “British Army of the Rhine” BAOR.

  6. scousemafia Says:

    This is the first time i have read this blog and have to say how disgusted iam.
    Not at the blog but a dunk the skunk ripping off loyaly LFC fans world wide.
    thanks guys for showing me the light about this site (wich i have just tried to join ) before i made a big mistake.
    please keep up the goodwork and i look forward to reading blog 3
    Happy Christmas to all


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