The Fairytale of Newcastle

Dunk’s great idea to pretend he’s in New York buying property when he’s really in Newcastle hiding from one form of inspector or other has given me some inspiration. With deepest and most sincere apologies to the Pogues and Kirsty (RIP), here’s the official Insider Insider Blog Christmas song…

humbug.gifA fairytale of Newcastle

It was Christmas Eve late
When fat Dunk sank
Another Woodpecker
then had another one

And then he sang a song
“The Blaydon Races” one
He put his pie away
And dreamed Newcastle won

He put his Toon shirt on,
Found his beloved S*n,
He started looking
For stories he could use
So near to Christmas
He’d got no contacts
And it was nearly time
To make up transfer news

He sat all day on his arse
For his club that was gold
All the so called exclusives
Were false or were old
When he first takes your cash
Even on Christmas Eve
The stories he’ll give you
are bullshit you’ll see

He’s a conman
and a liar
He loves Kieron Dyer
He stole from his cousin
And then stole some more,
He also likes swinging,
And myspace birds minging
Sits pissed in a corner
And makes up some shite

He needed vouchers swapping for cash, so he took it from Alder Hey
And used it to bet on snow, for Christmas day

He’s a bum
He is scum
He’s known best as fat Dunk
Lying all day and night on his site full of shite
The scumbag, the bastard
Spends half his life plastered
Happy Christmas you arse
Let’s hope it’s Koptalk’s last

He needed vouchers swapping for cash, so he took it from Alder Hey
And used it to bet on snow, for Christmas day

Slimy DuncanHe lied to everyone
He didn’t know anyone
He hated LFC
He told us nothing true
His contacts were all fake
His crap jokes make us groan
He now lives all alone
Not even got Koptalk Zoo

He needed vouchers swapping for cash, so he took it from Alder Hey
And used it to bet on snow, for Christmas day

(You’ll be glad to know there aren’t any plans to make this a regular feature. And before anyone writes in, I know Wallsend isn’t technically in Newcastle,  but it’s close enough).

16 Responses to “The Fairytale of Newcastle”

  1. felix Says:

    when can I down load it from itunes ?

  2. dave is red Says:


  3. lfc_1892 Says:

    I can’t believe Fat Dunk would even steal from the less fortunate. Happy crimbo Insiders!

  4. LFCPost Says:

    Merry Chrimbo ‘Insiders’ and here’s to a Dunk-free 2007.

  5. JackP Says:

    (from a toon fan).
    Fantastic. Really, really funny. I’m presuming “Dunk” is some reporter who spouts the same old shite about LFC that we get about NUFC up here….

  6. Insider Insider Says:

    Hi Jack – we laugh at the bullshit he spouts about the club, nobody falls for it any more, but we’re upset about other things he does. Touting tickets (£1600 for 2 FA Cup final tickets) or selling fake signed shirts and footballs (sometimes multiple one-of-a-kind items). And often supposedly for the benefit of his cousin Lauren from Scarborough – she’d disabled but never actually seemed to receive any of the thousands he collected in her name.

    He’s from Scarborough too, but live in Wallsend. He’s got a season ticket for St James’s too, but doesn’t go to Anfield any more despite all his claims of being a big Liverpool fan!

    And watch out for his currently closed NUFC site – He’ll be trying to con you lot next!

    Best wishes for Christmas.

  7. jj_sawyer Says:

    merry chrimbo guys and lets have a new years resolution that we wont let koptalk live past 2007

  8. Johnny H Says:

    That is outstanding!

    Have a great Christmas, you guys at the blog.
    And here’s to achieving your primary objective in the new year!

    All the best!

  9. Fat Controller Says:


    Merry Christmas everyone.

    Except Dunk obviously.

  10. Kopdan Says:

    The original song was just on VH1 so I just blocked ou the lyrics and read this


  11. bluebilly Says:

    Who says Wallsend isn’t “officially” in Newcastle?
    Has someone moved it since I left Scumcastle?

    Maybe the people of Wallsend just got wise – but I doubt it!

  12. fat_boy_fat Says:

    Happy Crimbo Everyone on the Blog!
    Brilliant song! 🙂

    and get stuffed you big fat Geordie TURKEY!
    Enjoy using your “Kon” money this Crimbo because it wont happen next, because you and your skanky site WONT be here!

  13. Insider Insider Says:

    Bluebilly – a Geordie came on here a while ago and told us it was actually outside Newcastle. I’m guessing it’s similar to the way Everton might soon no longer be based in Liverpool.

    Happy Christmas all.

  14. Millsy Says:

    Wallsend definitly is not in Newcastle, its in North Tyneside, but its pretty close, and most Wallsenders are Newcastle fans, and would consider themselves Geordies. Great piece of work though, and I share your views on the dodgy website in question.
    Less happy withthe scumcastle tag though – theres only one scum.

    Merry Christmas you Scousers, and good to see Bellers doing it for you, that useless to**er Souness should never have driven him out, Great player, useless manager (as you all know, he managed the worst Liverpool team in living memory, despite playing in probably the best)

  15. bluebilly Says:

    North Tyneside, ah yes! I remember that – the work of the evil tories, breaking everything they could get their grubby little hands on, and though it may not technically be inside Newcastle it is really. They put my village into Gateshead of all places – Christ! I never visited the place until I was in my 20’s – I’d been on a bus going through it – as close as I ever wanted to be to the place in all truth – but never actually walked around it. I hadn’t missed much. And you’re right it IS fully of N**castle supporters but at least the cops know where they are, don’t they? a comforting thought.

    “How can you tell who the Bridesmaids are at a Geordie wedding?”
    They’re the ones in the away strips!
    Harsh but fair and sadly, true.

  16. Laugher Says:

    *In best Noddy Holder voice*

    Iiiiiiits Christmas….!

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