Billy the Fish next Reds keeper? News from the Informer (updated)

I remember years ago I used to read a publication from the North East of England most of you will have read at some point. I was probably about 17 or 18 and the publication was called “Viz”. I used to get it every two months (that’s how often it was out) and would thoroughly enjoy reading it. As time went on though it went from being something that made me literally cry with laughter to something that just made me smile a lot. So it was still good, but not as good as it was. In fact “Viz” must have overheard me and my mates discussing this, because they started using a tagline along the lines of “Not as good as it used to be”.

I suppose the real reason it wasn’t as good as it used to be was because the novelty of laughing at some dysfunctional character based on a real-life person had to wear off in the end. Johnny Fartpants was hilarious, but there are only so many euphemisms for farting. Sid the Sexist’s sexist comments (the ones that made him look stupid and caused him to constantly fail with the ladies) all start to sound the same after a while. The complete and utter stupidity of Terry F*ckwitt (censored by me, just in case) can even start to irritate in the end, due to just how f*ckwitted he is.

So in the end I stopped buying Viz, but years later it was still on sale and still doing well. And the reason for that was that even though the novelty had worn of for me and many others who’d read it at the same time as me, it was all new to a whole new generation of readers. Fart jokes are funny. Watching bigots make idiots of themselves is funny. Stupid people are funny. The fact that those behind the comic could still make new strips about such things, alongside fat slags and football-playing fish meant that the newcomers to the comic could have the same fun earlier readers had already had.

So what’s this got to do with this blog? Existing readers can probably already tell what I’m going to say. First of all, those who think the blog isn’t as good as it was are actually right. It’s because we’ve been there and done that already, over and over again. The audience for the so-called Liverpool FC fansite, Koptalk.coN, is getting smaller and smaller by the day, but the antics of its owner are still on the cycle they’ve always been on. Two weeks ago the world was going to end for Oldham and he couldn’t be bothered, now he’s showing interest again, next week he’ll be pretending that he’ll actually go to a game, like he pretended to go to the community shield in August. We can only report on whatever material we are provided with, so the blog isn’t as good as it used to be, but maybe new readers will enjoy the novelty.

There are many more similarities between “Viz” and this blog. We are taking the piss out of a real-life character from the North East, although we aren’t based in the North East ourselves. Viz was originally based in the North East, started out by Chris Donald from his home in Jesmond, near (or in) Newcastle-upon-Tyne, with the help of his brother and a mate. All the early characters were loosely based on real-life people they knew, so real-life characters from the North East. If someone in Wallsend, near (not in) Newcastle-upon-Tyne, wanted to start a comic now and they’d ever met Duncan Oldham, Koptalk “owner”, he’d probably be the basis for all the characters.

Duncan Oldham is Johnny Fartpants when he’s “broadcasting” on his now defunct Koptalk “radio” or on his nearly-defunct Podgecast. Duncan Oldham is Sid the Sexist when it comes to his views on how to chat up the ladies, most notably in the summer when he was offering his advice to a young Koptalk member on how to pull a bird. Duncan Oldham ensures that Terry F*ckwitt has competition for being the most stupid person living anywhere in England. Dunk’s shags-through-myspace would no doubt be inspiration for the Fat Slags.

And as for the football-playing fish, well there’s every chance that had it not already been invented in the eighties by “Viz” that sooner or later Koptalk would have revealed that the next Liverpool goalkeeper would in fact be a fish that could fly.

In fact they’d have used the alias of “The Informer” to tell us. Yes, the alias that so many members of Koptalk would once believe really was someone connected to the club, posting his gossip on Duncan’s site just for them. It’s laughable now when you think about it, but a lot of people did believe “The Informer” was real. Unfortunately some still do. And look who made a new appearance earlier this week, after a long absence. Yes, “The Informer” is back, with news of a link to a goalkeeper, but I don’t think this is a flying fish he’s talking about…

The Informer
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Matt Murray
#1700638 – Wed Nov 15 2006 05:56 PM
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Benitez is interest in Wolverhampton Wanderers goalkeeper Matt Murray. His name cropped up during a chat this week.
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richt71Moderator
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Re: Matt Murray [Re: The Informer]
#1700647 – Wed Nov 15 2006 06:05 PM
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Cheers informer!
However no idea why we’d be after him TBH. He’s Wolves 2nd/3rd choice goalie. He’s 25 and by the looks of it has played very little in the last few seasons for Wolves. (
Rich Tea – you are the most gullible person in England. The Informer is Dunk, making things up. Perhaps there’s a role in “Viz” waiting for you. Any suggestions?)
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Dunk
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Re: Matt Murray [Re: richt71]
#1700650 – Wed Nov 15 2006 06:09 PM
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Never heard of him. (TRANSLATION: I’m trying to pretend that it wasn’t me logged on as “The Informer” ten minutes ago.)
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18
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Re: Matt Murray [Re: richt71]
#1700652 – Wed Nov 15 2006 06:10 PM

1st choice at Wolves Richt – played 17 of 18 games this season – guess they rotate in the Carling Cup at Wolves too!!
(Oops – looks like the gullible biscuit could have got it wrong.)
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Easystrider71
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Re: Matt Murray [Re: Dunk]
#1700654 – Wed Nov 15 2006 06:12 PM
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A strange one from our Informer… Maybe someone’s nicked the his/her login details for a bit of mischief! (No – it’s just Dunk reading stories about players at other clubs who are out of contract soon.)
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richt71Moderator
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Re: Matt Murray [Re: 18]
#1700682 – Wed Nov 15 2006 06:37 PM

Fair enough mate. I just checked a fansite for his details as I knew little about the lad TBH.
(You should check things more carefully Richard. Like the small print on those eBay diet pills you conned people with.)
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af
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Re: Matt Murray [Re: richt71]
#1700686 – Wed Nov 15 2006 06:40 PM
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Maybe Reina will be sold.
(Hey, it’s “af”, another one who’s unbelievably gullible. I think “af” has actually already found out about this blog and knows all about what we say about Oldham, but (like Rich Tea) still falls for Dunk’s bullshit. Maybe the “Viz” strip could feature two gullible people.)
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Kop_5
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Re: Matt Murray [Re: af]
#1700693 – Wed Nov 15 2006 06:48 PM
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and murray to be understudy to carson? (Make that a trio. The Gullible Triplets or something.)
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af
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Re: Matt Murray [Re: Kop_5]
#1700704 – Wed Nov 15 2006 07:02 PM

Could be a possibility. (Hmmm. Or it could be all made up by Oldham. Even Oldham hasn’t dared to suggest such outrageous theories, and that’s saying something. No wonder he has such easy pickings with some members.)

Just like reading a load of made-up shite from “The Informer” is a blast from the past, so is anyone actually attempting to make things better for Koptalk members. “Kev776” has an idea (possibly stolen from other forums as it happens) that might make Koptalk a better place. Well it couldn’t make it any worse really…

kev776
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Dunc-sin bin..
#1700551 – Wed Nov 15 2006 03:52 PM

It has been suggested by others so the idea is not new.

Can I recommend that people who break the AUP are stuck in a “sin bin” where they can read but not post, this will tidy up the debates a bit and make the mods accountable.

I am not having a go at individuals but the level of abuse has shot up since you closed the pig-pen, it has also brought in some excellent people who can converse without resorting to abuse.

Lists of the doomed can name and shame!

This can be for a week or month depending on severity.

You can use the 3 strikes and out system as well.

Just a suggestion mate. (Big mistake Kev – AUP Section 14.2, sub-section v, “Ve vill not tolerate suggestions. Ve vill ban anyone making them.”.)
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Donkey
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Re: Dunc-sin bin.. [Re: kev776]
#1700574 – Wed Nov 15 2006 04:13 PM
i think its a great idea,

some people ( me included ) may be feelin a bit mischevious which leads to maybe an out of character attack on some people so a sin bin would be a fairer punishment then a ban, my thoughts anyway (Sub section vi – “Ve vill not tolerate people agreeing with other members vithout first asking permission.”)
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kirkby1red
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Re: Dunc-sin bin.. [Re: Donkey]
#1700591 – Wed Nov 15 2006 04:35 PM
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I think an outright ban is sometimes a far to drastic form of sanction in what is a members only forum.

A lot of people have been banned from here lately, for various reasons, some may have deserved it because of frequent misdemenours but there may have been others who just got caught up in things, and just needed a warning.

A sin-bin, along with an explaination of why, would allow the rules to be applied openly, and everyone would understand just where the boundaries were.
(Sub-section vii – “Vill all you people stop zis. Ve make ze rules!”)
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Dunk
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Re: Dunc-sin bin.. [Re: kirkby1red]
#1700609 – Wed Nov 15 2006 05:17 PM

A banning is very, very rare. You have to remember that people ban themselves, mods don’t look to throw people out. (Ha ha! The old “ban themselves” chestnut. Of course. Like Tom did in the summer, to name just one of MANY numerous examples? All he did was to make some suggestions, like these people are doing here.)

If someone does get banned and goes to another site, then their friends sometimes try to earn a badge and get banned too which is a bit school-like but it happens. (Nope. Liverpool supporters find out just what a large piece of scum they have been paying money to for however long it might be and so choose to leave rather than be associated with that scum.)

The only people we don’t want here are people who are abusive to others or people who try it on. Members maybe don’t notice as much as we do. (Actually, he means, “Ve only vont members who vill not kvestion ze management of zis site. Ve are ze bosses. Ve know ze best.”)

When we launch the new site, we won’t be banning anyone, we’ll just restrict their ability to post new messages, so yes, a sin bin is possible. However, if people behaved like adults, we’d be ok. (He’ll ban someone within a week. And he’s copying this sin-binning idea from elsewhere, from his rivals’ sites as he calls them.)

Fortunately, as all the mods have pointed out this week, the general atmosphere here now is sensible and little moderation is needed. (Who are the mods these days? Apart from his family, Smooch and Rich Tea?)

But yes, it’s a good suggestion and it’s on board.
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revo
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Re: Dunc-sin bin.. [Re: Dunk]
#1700619 – Wed Nov 15 2006 05:33 PM
please adopt “if youve got thin skin dont come in” dunk please dont let the site be over run with these politically correct goodie good two shoes. theres a place for everyone on here even foul mouthed ignoramouses like me. its very simple, if you dont like it [oops] off to another thread or press ignore. this is a site for fans who want to praise/ vent or basically say what the [oops] they want to say and not have to worry about some little beeatch asking for a mod everytime someone is called a bugger.
theres nothing wrong with the way things are. if someone gets out of line, inform a mod and have dunk have a quiet word
(“Vot are you saying Mr Revo? Zis is not your place to dezide. Ve vill dezide vot happens.”)
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MrNice
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Re: Dunc-sin bin.. [Re: Dunk]
#1700626 – Wed Nov 15 2006 05:40 PM

How about sending a shock down their ISDN line which gives them a little buzz when the type stuff which not acceptable. We can also have a Department of Thought process which can vet the posts before they go up.

Joking aside, I think as long as people don’t make it personal and there is no racism then everything is cool for school. When you make it strictly no personal attacks it forces people to think about what they are posting rather than saying shut up you stupid [oops].

But I must admit the political threads tests even the most placid mans patience.
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Dunk
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Re: Dunc-sin bin.. [Re: revo]
#1700641 – Wed Nov 15 2006 05:59 PM

Speaking for myself, nothing and nobody offends me. I have little time for people who tell tales. If someone oversteps the mark in a serious way then of course we’ll have a word. We don’t like moderating at all, it really is up to everyone to moderate themselves. With passion comes expression. Sometimes people don’t mind what they say. I could have a massive row with someone over something yet five minutes later I’d pat them on the back and buy them a pint. (“Buy them a pint? Is that before or after you’ve called one of your hitmen friends to deal with them?”)
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JohnOK
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Re: Dunc-sin bin.. [Re: Dunk]
#1700713 – Wed Nov 15 2006 07:15 PM
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Quote:
When we launch the new site

Have i missed something Dunk? Whats the new site thing all about? (Like the old site, except with a return of the infamous ShoiteBox. It will also feature better means of disabling PMs and other features most forums visited by adults would have on them. Dunk disable PMs on his site because he was worried members might tell each other about this blog. That’s why he doesn’t allow anyone to see each other’s email addresses any more too, if you didn’t already know.)
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MrNice
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Re: Dunc-sin bin.. [Re: JohnOK]
#1700722 – Wed Nov 15 2006 07:24 PM

I thought this was the new site ..
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KOPTALK.COMAdministrator
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Re: Dunc-sin bin.. [Re: MrNice]
#1700739 – Wed Nov 15 2006 08:03 PM

http://www1.koptalkinsider.coN/forums/sh…e=0#Post1699995
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kirkby1red
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Re: Dunc-sin bin.. [Re: Dunk]
#1700749 – Wed Nov 15 2006 08:20 PM
I know banning is rare Dunk and I’ve seen you post beofre that “people ban themselves”, presumably for repeatedly breaking the AUP.

I was just wondering whether anyone has ended up banned for anything other than REPEATEDLY breaking these guidelines, and if so, it is them that a sin bin could act as a warning for.

Other than that, I think the less moderation the better, as it allows better discussions and debates, and as som have said, if anyone doesn’t like the posts then they don’t have to read them. (Seriously kirkby1red, he doesn’t give a toss what you think! He doesn’t care what any Liverpool fan thinks. He’s not interested at all. Let it go, or leave.)
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Dunk
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Re: Dunc-sin bin.. [Re: kirkby1red]
#1700791 – Wed Nov 15 2006 09:38 PM
To be honest the only people that get banned are those who spam. Generally speaking people are ok in terms or respecting the AUP, especially these days. (What does “spam” actually mean then Dunk? Does it mean “Letting members know that there is something fishy going on at Koptalk” (and not fish-like goalkeepers)? You talk as if people pay money to join then arrive on Koptalk to mercilessly promote their wife’s knitting-pattern website. They don’t. They pay money, then realise they’ve been ripped off, then try to tell their fellow members about it. You’ve too much to hide, that’s your problem.)

There are times when we’ll lock someone’s account so that they contact us to discuss calming down a little but sometimes they choose to tell their friends they have been banned when they actually haven’t.
(You’ve got their contact details, you don’t have to lock them out. You can get in touch that way. People have tried to contact you after being locked out, and have to my knowledge pretty much always been ignored. You ban people. You can call it what you want, but you ban people for telling other members the truth about you. Because the truth about you is shameful.)

Now it’s time for Dunk to be asked a question. Similar to “Where’s my book?” or “Where’s that xBox I won?”, it’s a question that will never be answered honestly…

hocko
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Badges
#1700169 – Wed Nov 15 2006 09:44 AM
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A while back Dunc said he had badges for those that filled did site feedback, just wondered if any one ever got any?
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marineboy
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Re: Badges [Re: hocko]
#1700170 – Wed Nov 15 2006 09:46 AM

No never did. A quick email to the big man should sort it out though if you want further info.
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Kop_5
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Re: Badges [Re: hocko]
#1700178 – Wed Nov 15 2006 09:55 AM

KopTalk-LFC Badges- – 08/11/06

We are out of stock of these badges. We will be taking delivery of a new batch shortly. We haven’t forgotten about you if you have been promised one for feedback etc. (“Why’s Kop_5 answering questions as if he’s part of Koptalk staff? Probably just a coincidence of course.)
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hocko
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Re: Badges [Re: Kop_5]
#1700189 – Wed Nov 15 2006 10:07 AM

thanks for that
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Dunk
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Re: Badges [Re: Kop_5]
#1700261 – Wed Nov 15 2006 11:28 AM
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Yes I’ll deal with these today. Keep reminding me or you’ll wait even longer (Why should they have to? You’re making potential visitors think you’ve actually got people who like your site thanks to this feedback they provided. Alongside the feedback you made up of course. The least you can do is send them one of those crappy badges you’ve got left over.)
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Time for more proof of how Dunk hasn’t got a fully-functioning site thanks to his restrictions on how much he trusts his paying guests….

Gazami69
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FAO Mods
#1701086 – Thu Nov 16 2006 10:44 AM

Don’t know if its only me, but i’m having a problem viewing and replying to posts in the Ticket info forum.

The forum doesn’t seem to be updating itself.

Could you check it out please?

If it is only me, do you have any suggestions?

Thanks.
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Dunk
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Re: FAO Mods [Re: Gazami69]
#1701120 – Thu Nov 16 2006 11:14 AM

Posts require approval in that forum.

Posts require approval? Why? Give one genuine good reason why they should need to be approved. It’s a ticket forum, people should be able to choose who they swap tickets with, or who they buy or sell tickets from. They shouldn’t need to have the interference of a known ticket-tout impeding their deals with each other. In fact if they visit most other Liverpool forums they’ll probably find they’ve more chance of getting a ticket of a fellow fan, at face-value, than they could even dream of on Koptalk these days.

And the real reason why posts have to be approved in that forum is because people kept putting their email addresses in, and Duncan Oldham is feared to death that
they’ll be told all about his scams.

Talking of scams, some of you will be delighted to hear that Duncan has been the victim of one himself. Or at least he claims to have been….


Dunk
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I’ve just spent £460 in Thailand…
#1701232 – Thu Nov 16 2006 01:10 PM

… without actually been there

Apparently they cloned my card and obtained my PIN. The bank spotted it immediately and blocked everything. They said the card details must have been cloned within the last six months (not sure how they come to that).

Fortunately I’ll get my money back. Be careful with your PIN’s. Apparently there’s an increase in this type of fraud where they are getting PIN’s due to chip and pin purchases.

I hope they have a good knees-up

…providing fraudsters obtain the data on the magnetic strip, along with the associated PIN, they are able to make withdrawals overseas using a conventionally cloned card, something that wouldn’t work on a UK high street. Delays in identifying foreign ATM cash withdrawals as potentially fraudulent are compounding the problem…

(For the record, KOPTALK does not have access to any member’s card details at any time and it is impossible for us to ever manually debit a payment.)
(WHY DID YOU NEED TO TELL US THAT? Guilty conscience by any chance? We know you’ve no access, but we know that you’ve asked for information from users that means you should be registered under the data protection act – and you aren’t registered.)
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ST3Administrator
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Re: I’ve just spent £460 in Thailand… [Re: Dunk]
#1701244 – Thu Nov 16 2006 01:20 PM

I did tell you I needed a holiday but you just ignored me.

(Dunk talking to himself again.)
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zubz
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Re: I’ve just spent £460 in Thailand… [Re: Dunk]
#1701246 – Thu Nov 16 2006 01:21 PM
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Some muppet stole £425 using my maestro card details, whilst i was away in Barcelona a few weeks back. He bought stuff over the phone and internet.

The bank paid me back within 4 days of me notifying them. I also told the police.

But check this out, The knob had used £300.60 to pay off his barclaycard bill. Wnaker
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Dunk
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Re: I’ve just spent £460 in Thailand… [Re: zubz]
#1701249 – Thu Nov 16 2006 01:23 PM

Did they get him?
(I seriously wouldn’t put it past Dunk that he’d ordered a load of stuff on the internet from a seller in Thailand, to be delivered to his mams, and he’s now trying to get a refund on it, and now he’s worried he’ll be caught.)

Kop_5 wants to know where a member has gone. Can anyone help him?


Kop_5
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FAO SHANKLY 65
#1701481 – Thu Nov 16 2006 06:07 PM

Anyone know where the donkey has gone,i think he said he was going to japan but this was a while ago.Cmon donkey where are you?
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Dunk
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Re: FAO SHANKLY 65 [Re: Kop_5]
#1701489 – Thu Nov 16 2006 06:15 PM

I’m not sure if he’s still a member. You could always drop Steve an email to ask

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Kop_5
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Re: FAO SHANKLY 65 [Re: Dunk]
#1701492 – Thu Nov 16 2006 06:17 PM

it’s ok dunk if he’s still around i’m sure he’ll drop in other wise no big deal.

Why couldn’t Dunk ask across to the other side of shed to see if Steve could look it up? Or has Steve left him to fend for himself again?

Another typical Koptalk moment. People pay thirty quid to join Koptalk, and expect many things, but don’t get them. Take “insider” information for example. Dunk’s actually asking his members to help him make stuff up now….


Dunk
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January Transfer Window
#1700041 – Wed Nov 15 2006 01:03 AM

Well people are starting to talk about possibilities, plans and so on. I expect we’ll see an increase in transfer links now that January is approaching. The hard job will be seeing through the smoke.

You would imagine that Lucas Neill is nailed on. Several clubs keep getting linked with him and I imagine that’s his agent keeping his client in the news for Rafa’s benefit.

Do you think many clubs will be active this January? Any predictions?

Did anyone see the headline on his Koptalk.coN front page the other day promising details of a new scouting assignment for members? This is what they got…

KOPTALK.COMAdministrator
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Holland U-21 v England U-21
#1699719 – Tue Nov 14 2006 03:44 PM

SCOUTING ASSIGNMENT

Date: Tuesday 14th November 2006

Fixture: Holland U-21 v England U-21

Competition: Friendly

Venue: AZ Alkmaar FC

Assignment Type: Player(s)

Player(s) Details: Unknown

Speculation or Confirmed?: Assignment details (fixture & venue) confirmed.

Liverpool FC official or agent(s): Club’s own scout(s).

Previously Scouted: Unknown

Video Footage: N/A

Yep. That is really what he put on his site!

Finally, one more quote from Billy Bullshit…

Dunk
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Re: ITV 4 NOW [Re: atlantisoldboy]
#1700003 – Tue Nov 14 2006 11:54 PM
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I cannot stand bullies

——————–

The biggest net bully in England can’t stand bullies. What about his threats to rip my face off? He can’t stand getting a taste of his own medicine, that’s his problem. And all he had to do was own up! Even now I’d be willing to listen to him tell me his side of the story although many others wouldn’t. Oldham – why not answer some of the questions we’ve asked you? Too scared?

Are “Viz” are looking to bring out any new characters soon? They couldn’t do worse than to look across to the west of Newcastle for “Duncan Dick, he’s really quite thick”. Be a great way to bring Billy the Fish back from the dead.

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UPDATE: Sorry, I can’t believe that I completely missed the one character who sums up Duncan Oldham so well – “Aldridge Prior – Pathological Liar“.  For those unfamiliar with him, he’s (according to Wikipedia) a “hopeless liar, spinning tales about anything and everything. Dressed in a red flannel shirt, faded denim jeans and hobnail boots complete with stubble, thinning bushy hair and a gormless look, Prior looks every inch the village idiot.” They go on to list some of his tales or lies, including:

  • He claims he is invincible because he is made of a rare alloy only he knows of.
  • He claims he is related to Saddam Hussein.
  • (best of all) He claimed he had The Nolan Sisters living in his fridge.

Having the Nolan Sisters living in your fridge is akin to claiming that you are about to buy Gerdie footballer Chris Waddle’s Merseyside home at a knock-down price so that you can spy on Liverpool training sessions.

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* The Viz website can be found at viz.co.uk. It has naughty words on it and so is not recommended for Tiscali-using website owner’s families from the North East, in particular those who post with usernames starting “G”. Ok Jeanette?

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