FLASHBACK 1 – Delia Johnson – Koptalk Agony Aunt


We’ll post an old article every now and then.  For newcomers – it will be a taste of what they missed in earlier days of the blog.  For the oldtimers –  a little nostalgia.

If you would like to nominate an article (or comment) for re-publication – please leave a comment, below, or email me at rupertinsider AT gmail DOT com.

Rupert Insider .


Delia Johnson – Koptalk Agony Aunt

by Insider Insider
June 30th, 2006


We couldn’t believe it yesterday when we saw this special offer from the fat one. His site doesn’t meet “accessibility” standards in any way shape or form so chances are most people who got this discount would actually be unable to use it. Still, at least it’s a different percentage than his usual one.

Perhaps we should get someone from one of the charities for people with sight difficulties to check the offer out, along with his claims to already have blind members.

Dunk KopTalk Editor Posts: 1939
29-06-06 09:10 AM – Post#245954

From today anyone who is registered as blind will be entitled to a 50% discount of all Insider & Gold Club subscriptions.

This isn’t a gag… we already have blind members signed-up but we plan to make things a little easier for them, starting by softening the blow on their pockets.

We’re also offering blind members a free email service so that we can email them a digest of reports to save them going through the various topics.

Blind members either use special word recognition software to read the site or they have friends who read to them.

At first we thought it was just a straightforward Duncan Oldham bullshit special. Best to laugh and move on. But now we know why he’s doing it. It seems he talks regularly to girls with eyesight problems. A member of the Insider site was asking for advice on how best to approach a girl he fancied. She works in a bar. Along came the big fat sweaty liar with his words of wisdom on how Dunk “Del” Oldham pulls the birds. (This is the happily married Del of course, who never steps out of line in his marriage.) Why do I keep thinking of “Only Fools and Horses”. Does he think he is a Trotter? He has Trotters instead of feet, but that’s another story. Either he’s making it up (as if) or the girls can’t see him. Fatty’s advice…

Fatty's chat up lines always made the girls laugh. And run.First up mate, you need to do your history and find out if she’s a tart. Ok… if she’s a tart nice one if that’s all what you want but if you think she’s better than that, you need to check out her background a little.

You can do this by dropping in the place on a regular basis preferably when it’s not too busy. Now I don’t know what kind of bar it is and this important when you consider your style and approach.

If it’s a good old fashioned pub, nice one. You stroll in with your Mirror newspaper and buy yourself a pint. You sit down and you mill through the paper as if life is just breezing by. “No work today?” she asks… “Nah.. thought I’d go for a walk and have a pint, maybe a bite to eat.”

Now if you get a few lines out of her you should be able to detect if she’s just small talking you like Old Bill sat in the corner with his pipe. As it starts to get busier if locals come in, you’ll get to know if she’s flirt or just a nice lass.

Now if it’s a trendy bar it’s going to be harder. You need to pop in with a mate and have yourself a drink, maybe a bottle. “Get yourself one, hun” and look away while she thinks “awww bless him” or “mug”. Don’t stare at her and get all excited if she says “thanks”, just make out it’s the thing you do when you go out and that it’s no big deal right because you’re a nice lad right?!

Whatever kind of pub, if you go in half a dozen times you should be able to find out what she’s like without having to stalk her.

Now if you don’t want all the bullshit of visiting back and forth, maybe it’s not close to home or work for example, go for the good old fashioned route… flowers. But you have to be careful not to be tacky. Probably the worst thing you can do is sign your name, “an admirer” can be teasing and fun. Leave it a while and then you can, if you’re on talking terms a bit later, make reference to admiriring people etc i.e. get the coincide stuff in (hint).

But you leave yourself open for ridicule if the flowers thing goes wrong so be easy. If it’s a bar you don’t usually go to and nobody knows you, you’re sound with that but if everyone knows you, it’s a bit of a gamble.

Now confidence is obviously a concern and regards looks, don’t put yourself down. Most good looking lads – with the exception of me – are w*nkers. Girls don’t like lads that are up their own a*rse.

I can pull a bird no problem even at 20 stone (blog that ye fecker), especially if in the company of other lads. If we go out in a group, I’m the one that does the talking. Why? I’m not the best looking and I certainly don’t have the body but I have the gift of the gab. I’m cheeky and I use the odd joke etc but not like a loud comedian or it will put them off ya.

Now you see my style is this. I’d get to know her little as a customer. Then when you’re on first name terms I’d lean on the bar and start coming out with “God… if only I was a fit lad… maybe then you’d marry me eh” – I’d then shake me head and look all sad but in a daft way to make her laugh.

Trust me, Dunk knows best…

She works in a bar right so she’s used to d*ckheads so you have to distance yourself from the “get your coat you’ve pulled” brigade. If someone’s been a cocky tw*t and she’s working.. get your drink and say to her (in reference to the d*ckehead) “I remember when I had my first drink”, hopfully she’ll laugh.. if she doesn’t she’s a miserable fecker.

Laugh, mock or put me down… it always works for me. Be yourself. Have a laugh but don’t be so serious. Be a d*ck and she’ll elbow you before you’ve started.

Now if you find out she’s a tart, just give her one if that’s your thing.

I must be getting old because I’d rather have an ice cold pint and a 5-1 winner than have a sh*g.

Although saying that I was in a bar in Durham with a mate a few weeks back… this lovely lass behind the bar… God she was nice.. I says to her “Please could you call the police?”

She asked why I said “Because I’m getting old and I really shouldn’t be thinking the things I am about you… I’ve decided it would be safer all round if I was locked up”.

She wet herself and we had a good laugh and a joke. Now if you carried that kind of line off with attitude you’d come across as a d*ck…. but say it innocently and not seedy i.e. make it fun, and everyone gets a laugh even if it’s at your expense.

If you really think you’re not all that I’d say that to the lasses. I’m a fat c*nt so I poke fun at meself all the time to which I get “awwww… don’t say that you’re lush you” and I just go all daft and say “yeh.. I suppsoe I’m the man really”… be daft and if she can’t take a joke, feck her. That statement applies to everyone in life.

(And another shout out to us. Thanks Dunk. You seem to have a rare form of Tourettes. We’ve never had so many high-quality laughs in one week. Keep ‘em coming. Yesterday was our new record for hits by the way.)

6 Responses to “FLASHBACK 1 – Delia Johnson – Koptalk Agony Aunt”

  1. Mumsafan Says:

    That’s so ridiculous!

  2. Insider Insider Says:

    I’d forgotten about that one. “Blog that ye fecker” being a classic sign of how this blog never did bother him!

    You may have noticed today that there is at least one website missing from this article on the official site –


    All those contacts and regular meet-ups with members of the board yet overlooked for this article!

  3. rupertinsider Says:

    If the Official Site asked him to name the top 5 of the 100 Who Shook the Kop – he would say:

    1. Shearer – the finest player our team has ever had apart from Jackie Milburn.

    2. Collymore – taught me all I know about dogging.

    3. Cisse – a character like me and one who regularly wrote to KT – well, once.

    4. Partridge – someone I took under my wing who treated me like I was a somebody:

    5. Hegem – the first and last player to log unto KT:

  4. barry wom Says:

    i forgot about this. so fucking funny. it has to be worth 30 quid of anyones money. thanks dunk for being funny without trying. thanks II for bringing it back.

  5. rupertinsider Says:

    To tell the truth I’ve just got what the title is about!

    “Delia Johnson” is a play on “Del Johnson” – which is one of the false names Oldham operated under when he was selling illegal Sky satellite cards on the net.

  6. dave tomo Says:

    What a tit!! i just love the way he doesn’t write full swe*rwords, but writes a*rse, what an a*rse.

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