August 19th 2006.
Where was Oldham when he was meant to be in Cardiff for the Community Shield against Chelsea? Did he make the trip down? Well we’ve done some digging to get to the truth.We can exclusively reveal to you exactly where he was… not in Cardiff because he has too many enemies and disgruntled former customers looking out for him there, incidentally we are 99.9% Liverpool fans that are looking for you Oldham, and besides you can’t get a pint of Woodpecker anywhere in the Welsh capital. This is despite Oldham’s lies that he was enjoying a cold pint of the quirky cider in the foyer of his Cardiff hotel last weekend.
They must have got the barrels of Woodpeckers in especially for the chubby one, as he likes to be known to his closest friends, although he didn’t want to meet up with any of them last weekend. Although saying that, it is quite easy enough to pick up his favourite tipple from any local corner shop in the Wallsend area of the North East of England, which is where he got it from.
We’ve analysed some aerial surveillance provided from our friends at the CIA and by analysing the before, during and after shots of the Koptalk Shed (see thumbnail) on Sunday 13th August, we believe to have established his whereabouts.
Our team of aerial photography professionals have ascertained that the only reasonable explanation for the Koptalk sheds clear swaying to the right between 3pm and 5pm last Sunday was due to the 30+ stone frame of a disgusting Geordie conman sitting at his Ikea desk watching the match and not subsidence which had been originally feared.
Earlier photographs of the shed show no such signs of sinking and help us to conclude the whereabouts of one Duncan Oldham on the weekend of the Community Shield.
We will shortly be writing to neighbours of Mr Oldham at 1, 2, 3 and 4 Swan Avenue to ascertain their feelings on this unsightly and hideous shed on the corner of their once beautiful suburban street, which no doubt has gone to significantly lower the potential values of their properties.
We will also be making enquiries with the local council to make sure the Koptalk.con self important leader has received the relevant planning permissions to construct this unsightly trailer on what appears to have been a nice suburban street before the arrival of the Oldham caravan.