DUNCAN OLDHAM Eliminates Koptalk’s Longest Thread
By Rupert Insider
Koptalk: Senior Forum:
Thread title: You Really Can’t Can You? Author: DJ Sydney
Responses: 260 written – several hours of work by KopTalk contributors.
Terms of Judgment from the Bench: “Just found this post… been busy. Will move to it to the Board Room and it will be reviewed on Friday. Then we’ll either ban or demote people. I don’t want any nonsense on these forums. If you want nonsense there are plenty of LFC communities out there that will let you do what you want. That won’t be allowed here.”
Action Taken: Thread locked by Judge Oldham.
“All be upstanding for de Judge “
De Judge Exits
Final Sentence: The thread is eliminated in secret after the courthouse closes – by the application of lethal software from the de Judge’s chambers.
I read the entire thread all 260 posts. It started with a post by DJ Sydney which said Rafa has limited funds. He bought Pennant rather than Alves because he needs to conserve some cash to buy a striker. People on KT should give Pennant a chance.
That was it – that’s all he said. He presented it as a 1,500 word essay on metaphysics. It was painful to read – like watching an elephant at a circus do counting tricks with its paws (do elephant’s have paws?). But DJ said nothing remarkable or objectionable.
Then it started. First the toadies – crawling on their knees to kiss the feet (or is it paws) of the great scribe. “Great post DJ….that’s why I clock into KT everyday DJ….finest post I’ve ever read DJ….you speak with the tongue of an angel DJ (I made that last one up).
The opposition warmed up slowly. It was eerily polite at first: point- counterpoint: point-counterpoint: point-counterpoint. It droned on like a tennis match on geriatric day. But it was all very disciplined and worthy.
Then Brendan arrived. Not the OLD Brendan but the NEW emasculated, blog-cured Brendan, with nary a swear word, not even in dyslexic-style spelling, and no exclamation marks. Just normal sentences with subject, objects and verbs – so boring!
It was left to Ryan to enliven the proceedings. But even he started off in his altar boy mode talking to the parish priest Father DJ. “Excuse me Father, may I make a confession…..”
And to be fair to Ryan, even when he inserted a couple of “fcukings” in his first response to DJ it was no worse than gentle suppressed coughing during a long sermon in the Cathedral.
However the Right Reverend DJ Sydney was in no mood to have anyone break his spell-binding control over the congregation. Placing his belly on the edge of the pulpit and leaning over like an eagle searching for its prey, he fixed Ryan with his beady eyes. He said Ryan was the only one who used naughty words, the only one who had not made a perfect act of contrition the only one showing disrespect for the House of God.
Ryan struggled to make his point. After several failed attempts he got it out. He was against the Pennant signing because we need a striker not a right winger. We have other players who can fill the RW position, especially his darling Garcia. And if we were going to spend so much money on a right winger why spend it on a “criminal”.
Brendan tried to take the spotlight from Ryan. His first gambit, as always, was to try to turn the conversation from Pennant to “Lurch”. But nobody was interested.
Then the NEW Brendan overcame the OLD and he decided it was more prudent just to throw Ryan a lifeline.
He said that this time (as opposed to all the other times?) Ryan really was angry – not just pretending. Ryan sent him a kiss, and told everyone that Brendan was gorgeous. Brendan simpered and modestly admitted that it was no longer true (no longer?). Lack of sleep had turned his hair grey and he had become twitchy (no mention of his weight?). Ryan, now desperate for a hug from someone, even Brendan, said he really fancied older men.
But in some ways Ryan had the best post. He characterized the thread as the same programmed responses from the same old names (including his, I suppose?).
That was the signal for the devil in Ryan to appear – like in the “Exorcist” when the girl starts vomiting green sick and her head turns around and she swears blasphemously in a deep rasping voice?
It usually happens to Ryan when he’s jealous. He doesn’t like to concede that anyone can write or controvert on KT better than he, especially DJ.
He became restless – you know how when kids decide a bloody good commotion is called for and they dig themselves deeper and deeper in nihilist frenzy? Well that was Ryan. But not like the OLD Ryan. He did maintain some control, carping on about how posters on KT always follow the party-line.
In fact there was only one post where he said “fcuking” more than three times. It was a jeer at his nemesis, DJ. And it was the first glimpse of the OLD Ryan – the pre-blog, pre-happy-clappers Ryan. But that one post was his undoing.
The Boy Scout Troop in the front pew gasped, their hands flying to cover their mouths as though they, themselves had used the word. And then they started tut-tutting.
And that’s where we came in. Go back to the top of this article to find out what happened to KopTalk’s longest, and perhaps most “sensible”, best-argued, on-topic thread in years when de Judge arrived.
FOOTNOTE: Do you want to see more or less articles like these? I’ve added it as a different category – Koptalk Zoo! It serves a purpose in that it shows how Duncan Oldham doesn’t like to see his members have too much freedom, but it also shows how, in Rupert’s eyes, the members the “Zoo” (Duncan’s description) have started to change, if only slightly, in the time since this blog began. It’s also quite funny. That’s only my view, I do invite your views too.