Delia Johnson – Koptalk agony aunt

We couldn’t believe it yesterday when we saw this special offer from the fat one. His site doesn’t meet “accessibility” standards in any way shape or form so chances are most people who got this discount would actually be unable to use it. Still, at least it’s a different percentage than his usual one.

Perhaps we should get someone from one of the charities for people with sight difficulties to check the offer out, along with his claims to already have blind members.

Dunk KopTalk Editor Posts: 1939
Loc: KOPTALK
29-06-06 09:10 AM – Post#245954

From today anyone who is registered as blind will be entitled to a 50% discount of all Insider & Gold Club subscriptions.

This isn’t a gag… we already have blind members signed-up but we plan to make things a little easier for them, starting by softening the blow on their pockets.

We’re also offering blind members a free email service so that we can email them a digest of reports to save them going through the various topics.

Blind members either use special word recognition software to read the site or they have friends who read to them.

At first we thought it was just a straightforward Duncan Oldham bullshit special. Best to laugh and move on. But now we know why he’s doing it. It seems he talks regularly to girls with eyesight problems. A member of the Insider site was asking for advice on how best to approach a girl he fancied. She works in a bar. Along came the big fat sweaty liar with his words of wisdom on how Dunk “Del” Oldham pulls the birds. (This is the happily married Del of course, who never steps out of line in his marriage.) Why do I keep thinking of “Only Fools and Horses”. Does he think he is a Trotter? He has Trotters instead of feet, but that’s another story. Either he’s making it up (as if) or the girls can’t see him. Fatty’s advice…

Fatty's chat up lines always made the girls laugh. And run.First up mate, you need to do your history and find out if she’s a tart. Ok… if she’s a tart nice one if that’s all what you want but if you think she’s better than that, you need to check out her background a little.

You can do this by dropping in the place on a regular basis preferably when it’s not too busy. Now I don’t know what kind of bar it is and this important when you consider your style and approach.

If it’s a good old fashioned pub, nice one. You stroll in with your Mirror newspaper and buy yourself a pint. You sit down and you mill through the paper as if life is just breezing by. “No work today?” she asks… “Nah.. thought I’d go for a walk and have a pint, maybe a bite to eat.”

Now if you get a few lines out of her you should be able to detect if she’s just small talking you like Old Bill sat in the corner with his pipe. As it starts to get busier if locals come in, you’ll get to know if she’s flirt or just a nice lass.

Now if it’s a trendy bar it’s going to be harder. You need to pop in with a mate and have yourself a drink, maybe a bottle. “Get yourself one, hun” and look away while she thinks “awww bless him” or “mug”. Don’t stare at her and get all excited if she says “thanks”, just make out it’s the thing you do when you go out and that it’s no big deal right because you’re a nice lad right?!

Whatever kind of pub, if you go in half a dozen times you should be able to find out what she’s like without having to stalk her.

Now if you don’t want all the bullshit of visiting back and forth, maybe it’s not close to home or work for example, go for the good old fashioned route… flowers. But you have to be careful not to be tacky. Probably the worst thing you can do is sign your name, “an admirer” can be teasing and fun. Leave it a while and then you can, if you’re on talking terms a bit later, make reference to admiriring people etc i.e. get the coincide stuff in (hint).

But you leave yourself open for ridicule if the flowers thing goes wrong so be easy. If it’s a bar you don’t usually go to and nobody knows you, you’re sound with that but if everyone knows you, it’s a bit of a gamble.

Now confidence is obviously a concern and regards looks, don’t put yourself down. Most good looking lads – with the exception of me – are w*nkers. Girls don’t like lads that are up their own a*rse.

I can pull a bird no problem even at 20 stone (blog that ye fecker), especially if in the company of other lads. If we go out in a group, I’m the one that does the talking. Why? I’m not the best looking and I certainly don’t have the body but I have the gift of the gab. I’m cheeky and I use the odd joke etc but not like a loud comedian or it will put them off ya.

Now you see my style is this. I’d get to know her little as a customer. Then when you’re on first name terms I’d lean on the bar and start coming out with “God… if only I was a fit lad… maybe then you’d marry me eh” – I’d then shake me head and look all sad but in a daft way to make her laugh.

Trust me, Dunk knows best…

She works in a bar right so she’s used to d*ckheads so you have to distance yourself from the “get your coat you’ve pulled” brigade. If someone’s been a cocky tw*t and she’s working.. get your drink and say to her (in reference to the d*ckehead) “I remember when I had my first drink”, hopfully she’ll laugh.. if she doesn’t she’s a miserable fecker.

Laugh, mock or put me down… it always works for me. Be yourself. Have a laugh but don’t be so serious. Be a d*ck and she’ll elbow you before you’ve started.

Now if you find out she’s a tart, just give her one if that’s your thing.

I must be getting old because I’d rather have an ice cold pint and a 5-1 winner than have a sh*g.

Although saying that I was in a bar in Durham with a mate a few weeks back… this lovely lass behind the bar… God she was nice.. I says to her “Please could you call the police?”

She asked why I said “Because I’m getting old and I really shouldn’t be thinking the things I am about you… I’ve decided it would be safer all round if I was locked up”.

She wet herself and we had a good laugh and a joke. Now if you carried that kind of line off with attitude you’d come across as a d*ck…. but say it innocently and not seedy i.e. make it fun, and everyone gets a laugh even if it’s at your expense.

If you really think you’re not all that I’d say that to the lasses. I’m a fat c*nt so I poke fun at meself all the time to which I get “awwww… don’t say that you’re lush you” and I just go all daft and say “yeh.. I suppsoe I’m the man really”… be daft and if she can’t take a joke, feck her. That statement applies to everyone in life.

(And another shout out to us. Thanks Dunk. You seem to have a rare form of Tourettes. We’ve never had so many high-quality laughs in one week. Keep ’em coming. Yesterday was our new record for hits by the way.)

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31 Responses to “Delia Johnson – Koptalk agony aunt”

  1. Phil T Says:

    Speechless…

  2. Chunky Says:

    Oh gawd, I think I’m going to puke.

  3. Insider Insider Says:

    I just did. Twice.

  4. Phil T Says:

    Having seen just how much this site is affecting him, I’m quite scared to be honest. We’re doing little wrong, and are simply pointing out his lies/madness, but it appears he comes from a family who suffer deep mental anguish.

    His dad committed suicide (which fatty feels partly to blame for), I wouldn’t like Del to be thinking along the same lines, however much I dislike him.

    Repent Del, repent.

  5. Blue Sky Says:

    Dunk’s posts have become more and more surreal lately. He’s gonna set up a new hq to Melwood, open a hotel which is free for gold club members, blind craptalkers get 50% discount and so on. Dunk doesn’t seem to be mentally stable.

  6. scully Says:

    Wait a minute, the other day he was saying something along the lines of “I’m all gobby online just to get a bite, but in real life I’m very shy and quiet” and now he’s saying “I’m the one that does the talking. Why? I’m not the best looking and I certainly don’t have the body but I have the gift of the gab”. If you’re going to tell lies all the time it’s really best not to have a seven-second memory.

    But Jesus Christ Almighty Holy Mary Mother of God Jesus Mary and Joseph, could you imagine these corny lines coming out of THAT face and body having any effect on barmaids other than to creep them out?

    I really do feel a bit sick.

  7. macca2 Says:

    um….

    i wonder what maria hartley (dunk’s wife) has to say about all this. im sure she reads this blog. maybe the blog has hit her. could this blog be the reason why things are so bad “back home”? hehe

    um…

    but then she could be as crazy as the fat man himself. i remember fatty’s offer for a threesome in the name of “mr & mrs hargreaves”. could she be “mrs hargreaves” in disguise or is “mrs hargreaves” another one of his associates in the crazy world of dunk?

  8. Chris Says:

    HAHAHAHA Anyone seen his Cheyrou article? He’s taking the credit for the story as usual citing “as revealed on KOPTALK yesterday” AHAHAHAHAHAHA He nicked the story straight from Rennes official site like everyone else did, only most others credit their source. He nicks it and passes it off as him breaking the story, unreal absolutely unreal

  9. bigf00t Says:

    makes you cringe really…

    im embarassed for him…

  10. Matt W Says:

    Logic seems to have been left in the shitter here. How he can offer us a free room for the night? So wait, I call him up and say I am coming in on Friday the 23rd…..I want my free room. Lol….good god.

    Do you think he’ll employ Dj_Wank_me_Off as the resident maid? It’s about time he promoted the mascara wearing cnut to a minimum wage job don’t you think? My mate knows him and said the guy is a hermit. He lives at home with his parents….No girlfriend, no real Mates – which would explain why the cnut sits home planting posts on a friday and saturday night even past 12:30 am…..

    oh dear

  11. Terry Says:

    Dunk likes 20 stone birds then?

  12. String Vest Says:

    Reading Dunks pulling tips, why did I hear the voice of Jack Duckworth in my head saying the words?

    The man’s a nutter. If his missus doesn’t read the blog, someone would be doing the women of the north east a great service if they printed it out and sent it her.

  13. macca2 Says:

    i think she does read the blog.

    might just be the reason for all the troubles fatty has had at home lately.

    i even heard rumours that she left him.

  14. Former Koptalker Says:

    Whoever is posting this stuff up, can they please put warnings before this sort of article. I now have to get myself a new breakfast and lunch because my monitor is wearing them.

  15. chapeau du soleil Says:

    I nipped into the boozer at opening up time to try out his tips. I said to the pretty barmaid “please could you call the police” so she did, and now I’ve been charged with harassment, tax evasion, false accounting and obtaining money by deception .
    Thanks Dunk!

  16. Toby Says:

    With regards to the special offer, aren’t 99.9% of his subscribers blind?

    I do like the patroinising informative explanation “Blind members either use special word recognition software to read the site or they have friends who read to them.” Its a wonder he didn’t add ‘because they can’t see’ to the end of the sentence. Quality.

    As for the pulling advice, it reads like a sketch from Viz. The bloke will be committed before he gets chance to use that new season ticket.

  17. rupert Says:

    The above description of his “targets” and his pulling powers reminds me what he said on KT radio a couple of months ago. For those who missed it – he had Steve bring him in the newspapers and he started to review them aloud – this is one of the way he fills in air time. One of the tabloids – it may have been the SUN but I can’t be sure – featured on its front page fotos of a middle-aged man who had recently been released from jail after raping young girls. He was shown in his local park oggling young school-girls as they passed -looking back at them and so on. The newspaper was protesting.

    Fatty read the story aloud. Then he said “What’s wrong with that. They shouldn’t have been walking across the park”. Then he went into a serious discussion with Steve about how rape of young girls was understandable. He said that when you get to his age – I think he said 32 on the radio – you notice how much harder it gets to pull them. The young ones just ignore you – its frustrating.

    Must be really frustrating Fatty that they ignore you even after you tell them on MySpace that you make 250,000 a year. Best jack it up to 500,000 – or lose a about 8 stone.

  18. Whois Lookup Says:

    “HAHAHAHA Anyone seen his Cheyrou article? He’s taking the credit for the story as usual citing “as revealed on KOPTALK yesterday” AHAHAHAHAHAHA He nicked the story straight from Rennes official site like everyone else did, only most others credit their source. He nicks it and passes it off as him breaking the story, unreal absolutely unreal”

    First appeared on Koptalk 22:56 last night
    First appeared on TLW 22:40 last night
    First appeared on RAOTL 21:08 last night
    First appeared on RAWK 21:04 last night
    First appeared on YNWA 20:43 last night

    Koptalk, always first with the news.

  19. macca2 Says:

    thanks for the info.

    i always wondered what the rape stuff was all about.

    how could anyone possibly side with him after hearing stuff like that.

    it really is sad…

  20. macca2 Says:

    whats sad is that koptalk readers are actually going to BELIEVE that fatty was first in with the news. then they are going to bookmark it thinking koptalk is great. full of deceit, but effective nonetheless.

  21. Toby Says:

    I’m waiting for him to introduce Koptalk Radio for deaf people who have friends that can write down what’s being said.

  22. rupert Says:

    I’m looking forward to his special edition for the seriously dyslexic – it will be called Kakoptl – and feature an exclusive news in the “Sinider” and “Dogl Clbu”

  23. rupert Says:

    He’s also working with Brendan on an edition for those with Tourrette’s Syndrome – the working title is – Fkucing-Koptalk”

  24. rupert Says:

    Fatty is writing his book slowly for those who can’t read quickly.

  25. lobster Says:

    Fatty is obviously rattled, he cant put his mind of his “distractors” & “enemies”
    hahaha

  26. Skullflower Says:

    i can see dunk’s mind imploding into a gelatinous freudian nightmare. it’s just a matter of time. this site will have a really bad effect on such an unevolved creature. are the people of this site prepared to shoulder the burden?

  27. Fat Tax Says:

    I think you missed a couple of paragraphs:

    Of course, if all that fails, you could always just grab her one night when she leaves work. Check it out for a few nights beforehand and see which way she walks. Get yourself some black gear and a balaclava (reversible tops are best), wait a couple of streets away from the bar so you don’t get caught on camera and drag her into an alley.

    Pepper spray or a leather sap would be good to subdue her, or just punch her silly. Make sure you gag her and she’s your’s for the night. Oh and make sure you use a condom – the police can do wonders with DNA these days and if she is a slag you might get a dose. That’s not nice, I should know.

    If you’re not confident enough to carry this approach off, you could always try posing as a minicab driver. Or have a wank. Again.

  28. Fat Tax Says:

    Seriously though, his mind is like a particularly repugnant cesspool. Odious cunt.

  29. The Platinum Club Says:

    He does have nice tits though.

  30. hairykewell Says:

    Obviously all his members are entitled to 50% off because they are all ‘blind’ to the fact that the fat cunt is a conman.

  31. aunt madge Says:

    hey mate you wanna try that out in sam dodds!!! esspecialy on a match day youl be barred ..YEAH BARRED……….hahahahahahahahahaahhaahahahah LOOKING FORWARED TO YOU COMING IN TO TRY THESE OUT HAHAHAHAHAHAHA


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