WARNING: Put any hot drinks down before reading.

More than one of our emailers sent this article in, but unfortunately they forgot to add any kind of warning to it. I feel I could be sued if you suffer serious scalding injuries through reading what Dunk said without me warning you first.

So, please, put down any hot drinks, make sure they are out of reach. If you are in a room next to sleeping infants or sleeping managers – try to wheel them elsewhere. If you are recovering from surgery and still have recently stitched wounds, don’t read any further. If you need the loo go now. Otherwise you’ll go wherever you are.

Dunk has made one of his announcements.

Right. Is it safe to read on? Here we go then.

Dunk KopTalk Editor Reged: 20/08/04 Posts: 7882
Exciting Developments at KOPTALK
#1515920 – 29/06/06 10:29 AM

I am happy to reveal that we are currently involved in locating and purchasing a property adjacent to Melwood, Liverpool Football Club’s training ground.

The property is where KOPTALK will be based and it will enable us to have a reporter at the club’s facilities every day of the week.

I’m not sure how long it will be before this falls into place though. I have previously considered this idea but now I plan to step things up. I have assigned someone to find us a property that is suitable for our requirements and hopefully, before the end of next season, everything will be in place.

As we don’t need to sell to buy we’re not in a chain so we should have some strong bargaining power.

I have no intentions of parting with our office or my home in the north east so we’ll probably split the KOPTALK network between the two areas.

As well as the obvious advantages of having a base at Melwood, it will also enable our VIP Gold Club members to come and visit us and also use the place as a base for free when autograph hunting etc.

I have always pledged that revenue generated from the site either through advertising or subscriptions to our VIP website http://www.koptalkinsider.coN would be reinvested into the site, which is a love for me.

If I can provide you with even more info including daily photos, daily videos, possibly a live webcam and daily reports from Melwood, then I will. Why not eh?

Family and friends in Liverpool are working with local estate agents to try and locate a pad that will provide us with what we need. I will keep you fully updated as the season progresses with any developments behind the scenes.

Although critics and troublemakers associated to other websites try to disrupt things, they only give me more strength to continue coming up with new ideas and that’s why I’m prepared to invest heavily into providing new
content which I think our readers will enjoy.

I don’t think I can comment on this yet. If I can stop laughing for five minutes I’ll try, but I can’t promise anything.

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19 Responses to “WARNING: Put any hot drinks down before reading.”

  1. Chunka Says:

    hahahahahahahaahahahahahahhaha

  2. Part Time Poster Says:

    Great – I can’t wait – if this “home from home” is set up I’m going to apply to run it.

    Think about it, Dunc doesn’t know where Melwood(or Liverpool even) is, he won’t send young Steve down, cause if he escapes his clutches he could break up the cult!

    Dunc’s going to need some sort of office manager to run the show down here, I believe i’m the perfect candidate. I’m off to dust up my C.V.

    Dunc, if you can guarentee this property i’ll even furnish it for free and work minimium wage.

    Please, oh please let me have the job

  3. Part Time Poster Says:

    Do they still have the high rise flats there? I can see them now spying on
    the players from the roof

    Get ready for a “new tactics revealed:insider” thread

    I can see it now –

    “from our vantage point it looked like rafa was going to use lurch as the
    sole CB in a new look formation 1-2-3-4 -”

    I haven’t been to melwood for years, but is there actually any property
    available near there.

    Keep up the good work

  4. macca2 Says:

    hahahahahahahahahaha

    and of course the usual dig at the insider insider.

  5. Phil T Says:

    The SCREAMS of two things; DESPERATION with the effectiveness of this site, and TROUBLE with his wife.

    It also goes to show just how much money Koptalk must be pulling in for him.

    I cried with laughter the first time I read it. His follow-up post about opening up a hotel for Insider and Gold club members is the icing on the cake.

    Stand aside Peter Kay, another comedian has taken your crown.

  6. Toby Says:

    It had to be done really didn’t it? Glad you like it 🙂

  7. Insider Insider Says:

    Excellent stuff Toby. As if I hadn’t already pissed myself enough this afternoon.

  8. 5times Says:

    anyone hear of that story about fatty when he was taking photos of pre season training at melwood and presenting them as though he was there

    it turned out he was standing on the roof of his car taking the pics over the wall

    hahahaha

  9. Sinon Says:

    Thats not funny.

    I’m having serious problems here, my stomach seems to be trying to digest itself and has started attacking my brain. Fuckers.

    I started imagining all those poor Gold & Silver members, given free accomodation in a prime Liverpool location, turning up and meeting Steve: “there you go, room 2 is yours, great views”…

    ….walks in, Mr & Mts O are lying there on the bed naked….”so glad you can join us, the vaseline is in the drawer”….

  10. rupert Says:

    I’ve mentioned his paranoia with delusions of granduer. This is a classic manifestation. He is troubled by several effective analysese from us:

    1. that he is not from Liverpool, he does not go to Anfield, he detests Liverpool and left it as soon as he made enough money from KT:

    2. he has no contact with any player, manager, director or employee of the club – his only way of countering this and make some superficial claim to proximity is to be physcially near to Melwood (BTW this is a very old tactic of his- years ago he was offering rewards for any anyone who visited Melwood to send him any snippets they could about the goings and comings in the car park: he offered it again recently):

    3. He fears that our exposure will be very effective – the fact that he lives in Newcastle, is a Newcastle Season Ticket Holder and is using KT profits to set up a Newcastle and Spurs site will seriously dent his credibility with his KT readers – especially overseas members who think that in KT they have found a virtual Kop of LFC supporters based in Liverpool. He thinks that a claim that he is moving next to Melwood will fob them off.

    4. that he is in money trouble if and when the Internal Revenue and dole people catch him and if he loses hits and advertising revenues as a result of our activities – he really is very worried about that (he always has the struggle between boasting about how much he makes and how poor he is – but usually when under pressure he comes down on the side of how rich he is – because at the end of the day he sees that as complete justification for all his lies and cheating as well as an essential part of his self-promotion: he tries to get around his spending by saying it is all KT related otr LFC rleated)

    5. the idea that he will now have a home away from home at Melwood where all his “internet” family will be able to live with him points to serious problems with his current marriage and home life which he is trying to deal with through the delusion that he really does have an internet “family”:

    While this announcement should earn him some sympathy for his mental and emotinal state remember that he is has done this over and over again. He floats grand projects as a diversion. They never come to anything but always manage to produce more hits and put more money in his pocket. Wait for the money angle – just like his book – how will he extract some advanced payments from this little Melwood B&B idea that will never actually happen?

    I’d find it more credible if he offered to pimp girls for overseas visitors.

  11. Toby Says:

    Why would someone who speaks to Rick Parry on a regular basis and have sources within Anfield want a council house near the training ground? Surely the ‘wallet’ can get him a press pass ffs, lol.

    This story of wanting to get a place in Liverpool was seeded last summer and faded into the ether soon after, so I don’t expect this to be any more credible than his Crouchy tape story.

  12. Whois Lookup Says:

    Don’t forget he’s moved to Liverpool once before in a big editorial, sold up in the north-east just before Christmas. After the New Year he’d forgotten all about it and carried on from Scarborough/Brough Park assuming the gullibles would forget what he’d said.

  13. rupert Says:

    Maybe this new hotel idea is a follow-up from his personal ads in footie forums looking for a fit young lad to do kinky stuff with his wife while he filmed and then joined in. Imagine what he could do with a few hidden cameras in the rooms of his new hotel. And afterwards he could sell the clips to Gold Club members .

  14. Sinon Says:

    Cheers for that mental image Rupert. Next time I am around the Melwood area I shall keep clear of the house which smells of fat persons baby batter.

    Mind you, come to think of it, it shouldn’t be hard to miss the house owned by Dunk. Just look for the Japanese fishermen outside.

  15. Ringpiece Says:

    I’ll not be happy if that fat bastard starts giving out formations and showing clips of training.
    What a doughnut, every club in the premiership justs needs to log in an find out who’s trained, who’s carrying a knock e.t.c.
    A hotel for Insider members FFS. behave lad, It’s just more horseshit to keep people interested, people who are on the verge of cancelling their memberships.
    I’m tired of horseshit and your attempts to bridge the gap between my beloved Liverpool and your North East residence, stop insulting my inteligence.

  16. rupert Says:

    Ringpiece – don’t worry. In the very unlikely event that he ever buys/rents/squats in a property near Melwood or even stands on his car roof as he did in the past – and then tries to sell what he sees to the tabloids (as he did in the past with negative gossip about Fowler and players) – it would be an ideal opportunity for LFC finally to clamp down on him.

    There is a mountain of evidence that he falsely claims to get privileged information from Parry or his family, or this and that other person at LFC.

    In the past Parry and LFC thought it not worth suing him (a) because it would give him more serious consideration than he’s worth (b) because it would give him the free publicity he craves and (c)because he would not be able to pay any damages.

    But if he starts seriously interfering with LFC and its training or privacy in the way he is suggesting in his Melwood post – watch out below!

  17. lobster Says:

    The first time i read it in cocktalk main page yesterday, i laugh so hard i almost die choking on my own saliva.
    What next from our fat friend? Plan to buy an exclusive tent inside Melwood and watch the lads train every day??

  18. Sinon Says:

    Have you read the last reply on this thread in KT? Maybe a sarcasm smilie should have been used…


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