One man's devastation is another's opportunity

Fat OldhamFatty Oldham's latest editorial was all about the injury to Djibril Cisse. Well, mainly. Don't be surprised if there's a request for donations to Dunk's paypal account for flowers for Djibril. Dunk will make sure that Djibs gets a bunch of flowers from Asda, and any leftover money will cover his admin fees.

We don't normally encourage you to go and visit KonTalk, but if you want to read the full article fatty Oldham posted as an "editorial" today then you'll have to go over there. Go to this version to read the whole lot if you really want to – at least you can leave comments there. You'll need to if you read it all, I assure you.

The latest update is, to be frank, boring. Very boring. If you want to read it in full he's even added it to his blog. Be sure to leave a comment won't you?

The man tells us one week he's happily married, the next week he tells us his kids live miles away from him in Scarborough and has a go at Fathers for Justice. He brags about getting intimate with girls he's met off the internet too. It's so difficult to keep up with his lies it really is impossible to know what the truth is. Today he's telling us how he's in trouble for staying out all night. Very good Dunk, but we think your mum will forgive you.

Rather than you reading through the whole lot yourself, here's some highlights. Annotated by us of course.

Absolute Devastation (Translation: I've got an excuse for getting insider info wrong now)

At 6pm last night I downed tools and went out for a pint. The sun had been out all day and I was feeling a bit fed up and bored so I thought 'Feck it, I'll go for a quick one'. I didn't roll into KOPTALK HQ until 2pm today… I didn't even go home, I just came straight here with last night's clothes on. Minging or what eh. Put it this way, I'm in the sh*t house for sure. (Translation: I have a drink problem, my mum will shout at me because she had to throw my tea away, I didn't dare to go back to her)

(We've removed a long drawn out story about how his usual 17-year-old drinking partner had phoned him to say Cisse was injured.)

I knew immediately that this injury would also deprive us of hard cash. (Translation: My made-up stories for Insider were wrong now. I'd have to change them and could lose money). (Actually he may have meant Liverpool would be deprived of money, but you can't be sure.)

Moments later after Steve got off the phone, the texts started coming through and various people connected to Liverpool FC in a wide range of ways (fans, journos, contacts) were calling to discuss the implications. (Translation: Nobody except Steve and my mum ever call me, so I'll pretend I have loads of people ringing me over something like this).

In the end I turned the phone off and just got wasted. (Translation: My phone didn't ring again all night, even though I had left it switched on and kept checking the signal strength).

Djibril Cisse is my favourite player. (We've removed another boring bit). But when Ged was booted out just before he arrived, I thought that the new manager would probably want rid of him. (Translation: Because I've got no sources at Anfield, I had no idea about Liverpool being bound to the Cisse deal.)

(Some more boring stuff removed, all lifted from the press).

(Seriously, it goes on for a lo-o-o-o-o-ng time).

(And on.)

I had accepted he would be leaving and I understood why. But played consistently in his natural position alongside someone like Owen/Defoe (that type of player) with a quality winger delivering the supply and I think we'd have been laughing. However, Rafa calls the shots and I totally respect his decisions. (Rafa's just got in touch with us to tell us he's bloody glad to hear that the famous fat Duncan respects his decisions.)

As a manager I would be useless, how many of you will admit that? (Everybody reading this thinks you'd be useless as a manager Dunk. Is that what you meant?)

We all think we could do it but let's be honest, the majority of us think we're experts but we're not. (Oh you meant your readers. I'm sure they are glad that you speak for them all.)

Personally I believe Rafa wouldn't have been in a rush to sell him. I think he would have given him another season had he not needed the cash and this is where it gets complicated. (Ah, you drink with Rafa now I suppose. You know that Rafa was thinking, 'Oh go on then, Djibs lad, have another season'. Until he saw there was a lack of cash).

(Here comes Dunk's get-out clause for the bull he posted as Insider info last night). I think we will lose at least one incoming player because of the lack of funds that we'd have got from the sale of Djibs. The two deals that I think will be under threat I'll touch on at the Insider website later today. (Translation: I've got to make a bit more crap up for you all, so get your credit card out now and subscribe.)

I've only been back in the office an hour since going AWOL (What? You need permission to go out off your mum now?) yesterday so I want to catch up on my emails and faxes first. (A lot of emails from disgruntled subscribers, 4000 spams about Viagra and weight loss pills and a fax offering a cheap company car).

(Next we have a reference to one of Dunk's site visitors who has posted on a Koptalk forum saying he's no sympathy for Djibril and is more bothered about the impact on the transfer funds. Dunk tells us he is ashamed of the post. Even though his own recent rants have been on a par with a BNP propaganda leaflet and he's also defended the Sun, as you will know from reading this site. He's now trying to claim he's only controversial so that he can improve his hit count…) Some fans fail to realise that I often spout [censored] (sic) to get a bite, to get people talking, but even I couldn't stoop so low about any player that pulls on the Liverpool shirt regardless of his ability, attitude and return. (Of course not. You are already much lower I'm afraid. I'm sure there's many examples your former and current visitors could pull up to contradict you).

(A bit more snipped out here). But it has thrown a spanner in the works and although I have a selfish side of me (You? Selfish?) that wanted that money (You? Wanting money?), I cannot ignore that behind the whole issue, someone, not just anyone but a Liverpool player and a fairly decent bloke at that, has suffered extreme pain and anguish again. (This will be the cue for a collection, just you wait and see.)

(A bit more snipped, then…) I don't want to sound like I've gone all soft but I'm big enough and daft enough to admit I have a soft spot for the lad (no homo!). (Big? Yes. Daft? Yes. Homo? – You tell us.)

So there it is. Dunk's latest rant. Sets him up nicely for his next money grabbing session.


2 Responses to “One man's devastation is another's opportunity”

  1. rupert Says:

    The Fat Fart is a metrosexual – in his own mind.

    Ever hear his broadcast on an LFC game in which he reviewed the papers and read the story about the recently released paedophile who was seen stalking young school girls in a park and said “what’s wrong with that”?

  2. rupert Says:

    I just read my previous post. I left out that the paedophile in the story was a convicted rapist of underage girls. The story had a photo showing him in a park looking back at a group of young school girls who had just passed him. Fatty remarked with words to the effect – what’s wrong with that, they shouldn’t have been walking across the park. After reviewing the story in detail, he then philosophised about the merits of rape. I don’t remember his verbatim words but it was something like this: When you get to thirty two (or whatever his age is) you notice how much harder it is to pull chicks. The young ones ignore you. Its a bit frustrating. I can understand the urge to rape – or words to that effect.

    Remember this is a broadcast of a commentary on an LFC game and the person he is talking to is Steve – his 16 year old sidekick – and, of course, whoever is listening, because of their thirst for information about LFC. The mixing of his personal life with news about LFC – including his sexual fantasies and frustrations – and his foisting them on his audience is one of the cultic elements of Kraptalk.

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