TLW Exclusive: Alves deal off as Reds move to plan B

Dunk won’t have heard yet, unless he’s been reading the website of the TLW (The Liverpool Way) Fanzine.

The deal for Alves is seemingly off, Liverpool are now looking to sign Hatem Trabelsi, Ajax’s Tunisian international, on a Bosman.

Trabelsi is a full-back and now they are also looking to sign right-winger Jermaine Pennant and striker Dirk Kuyt in place of Alves.

Read it in full detail over at TLW – http://forum.liverpoolway.co.uk/showthread.php?t=34336

TLW never post something as news unless it really is news or more than 99.9% certain to happen. And the person who runs TLW really is friends with Jamie Carragher. And others. But he doesn’t live overlooking Melwood.

Dunk said this morning that the Alves deal was done. In fact this makes Dunk look a bit silly doesn’t it? Again.

(For a comparison of how he posted an “exclusive” then tried to change it, see this comment from Rupert earlier tonight). 

Attempted Crouch slur all a joke to Koptalk owner.

Dunk was clearly stunned at what happened to him in the last Koptalk Insider post we spoke of. As has been pointed out in comments on here, the outburst about Crouch was followed by him going on one of his many benders. It was all around the time he was talking about not much else than how drunk he was planning to get and how the bloggers didn’t bother him. Maybe in his continually drunken state around that time he just blurted things out he’s since forgotten.

He was confronted again by “Barney” about his Crouch tape claims. This was just before 5pm.

Barney Gold Member
Reged: Jul 14 2003 Posts: 108
Loc: Congleton
Re: FAO DUNK:Crouch [Re: Dunk]
#1519113 – Fri Jun 30 2006 04:58 PM

Actually,thinking about it you replied to Brendan when he said that liverpool players dont do interviews with the S*n by saying that they do and that you had the tapes to prove it.

Dunk KopTalk Daddy
Age: 31 Loc: KOPTALK.COM
01-06-06 02:40 PM – Post#215290
In response to brendan
No Brendan, I have the proof right here, I have the tapes. I’m going to lock them away until I decide it’s time for Crouch to be sold… probably next week then.
Post Extras:

So how did Fatty respond? A simple admission of guilt, a chance to own up to some of his recent nonsense? Did he take the chance he was being offered to start towards putting things right? Of course not, this is Dunk. It took him over an hour-and-a-half to think up a reply. Unfortunately it wasn’t the most convincing of replies either. In fact, yes, you guessed – it was bullshit…

Dunk KopTalk Editor
Reged: Aug 20 2004
Posts: 7918
Re: FAO DUNK:Crouch  [Re: Barney]
#1519289 – Fri Jun 30 2006 06:37 PM          Reply      Quote

Brendan is a joker as everyone knows. That was a p*ss take. I can’t believe you thought that was genuine.

Sorry mate but you’ve got the wrong end of the stick big time.

Nay mind 

The problem is Dunk, we all knew you didn’t have a Crouch tape. We also knew that you wanted everyone to assume you had. I’ve heard kids say that – “I was only joking” – after telling a lie about something. Or more accurately, being caught telling a lie about something. Were you “joking” about your book? Your lie about being unaware of the Sun boycott – was that a “joke”? Your comments about “foreigners” in Britain – are they all “jokes” too? Insider information in the Insider website – a “joke”? Your claim to have a friendship with Steven Gerrard – another “joke”? Not to mention your “jokes” about celebrity subscribers to the Insider.

Of course with kids, as long as nobody’s hurt, it doesn’t really matter. They learn from it in most cases. But with a grown “man” in his 30s who’s going out of his way to either steal from people or hurt people, it DOES matter.
Which is why we carry on.

Dunk denies “Crouch tape” slur. We prove otherwise.

Mr Duncan Oldham today made a bit of a dick of himself. Again. He lied. And we can prove it.

It’s all about his “Crouch Tape”.

This was posted in the “Gold Club” section in Koptalk.

Barney Gold Member
Reged: 14/07/03 Posts: 106 Loc: Congleton
FAO DUNK:Crouch
#1518988 – 30/06/06 03:40 PM

Not sure where to post this as some trigger happy mod deleted my threads yesterday.

Dunk claimed to have a tape of Crouch talking to the sun which he said would be used to end Crouchs liverpool career whenever DUNK felt like it.

Would love to hears this tape,but am starting to doubt its existence in the first place.

Out of interest was it an audion or video tape

Post Extras:

Dunk KopTalk Editor
Reged: 20/08/04 Posts: 7916
Re: FAO DUNK:Crouch [Re: Barney]
#1519043 – 30/06/06 04:05 PM

Quote: (Snipped)

What abosulte nonsense. I have never said anything of the sort.

——————–
www.KopTalkBlog.com
Post Extras:

That right fatty? Actually it isn’t – it isn’t nonsense, abosulte (sic) or otherwise. It’s true and you know it. You see we’ve already covered it. Back on the first of June.

We published this – Dunk’s lies and audiotape.

In it, we have the “transcript” of one of Dunk’s little moments. Read that post for the full extent of the crap he came out with but these are the bits that really got our attention.

Crouch talks to The Sun (Topic#14710)
Dunk KopTalk Daddy
Age: 31 Loc: KOPTALK.COM
01-06-06 02:21 PM – Post#215249

Well, well, well… only days after I was told by Rushian that Liverpool players DO NOT talk to The Sun, after I said that they did, I see Crouch was talking to them about his dance.

Quote: (We removed the quotes from the Sun that Duncan had cut and pasted into his post.)

What shall we do? Shoot him? Hang him?

Don’t tell me, it was a freelance journo.. or maybe there were loads of journos there and he didn’t know he was speaking to.

Still, I suggest we skin him and stone him on the opening day of the season.

A few more posts came along then and fatty had it pointed out to him that maybe Crouch wasn’t speaking to the Sun at all, perhaps it was the case that he’d just been speaking to a press conference. Dunk wasn’t having it…

Dunk KopTalk Daddy
Age: 31 Loc: KOPTALK.COM
01-06-06 02:40 PM – Post#215290
In response to brendan

No Brendan, I have the proof right here, I have the tapes. I’m going to lock them away until I decide it’s time for Crouch to be sold… probably next week then.

So, fat boy. WHERE ARE THESE TAPES? We want to see them. We want to hear them. I’m sure Crouch does too. Maybe one of our blog readers will get in touch with Crouch himself after the World Cup.

Blog that.

UPDATE: Fatty got a reply, and so replied to it himself.

Barney Gold Member
Re: FAO DUNK:Crouch [Re: Dunk]
#1519066 – Fri Jun 30 2006 04:17 PM

Must have got the wrong end of the stick then.
Post Extras:

Dunk KopTalk Editor
Re: FAO DUNK:Crouch [Re: Barney]
#1519092 – Fri Jun 30 2006 04:43 PM

Slightly. It’s ill-informed posts like that mate that cause so much sh*t you’d never understand. I’d never want to end any Liverpool players career.
Post Extras: 

“Ill-informed”?  “..never want to end any Liverpool players career”? It’s all been blogged Duncan, so who are you trying to kid? STOP LYING, admit the truth and maybe we’ll start easing off a little. Maybe.

More shake-ups in Dunk’s little world

Fatty has now made a lot of his (few remaining) visitors happy by banning one of the more disliked posters.

Thanks to “Rupert” for spotting it in the first place and to “PTP” for passing this thumbnail on. Click the thumbnail to see a  screenshot of Ryan20 failing to get in. This follows a message from the fat one himself from inside his shoitbox:

Dunk: ryan has been banned for posting abuse… more will follow…. whether that ban is upheld depends on whether or not he cools it

In other words, a bit of brown nosing and he’ll be back in. Dunk needs the hits and half of his hits come from arguments caused by the likes of Ryan20 and the mods.

Ryan – if you’re reading this, why not spend the next week reading the whole of this blog. Don’t even try to go back to Koptalk for a week. If you still want to work for Dunk after that then it’s your choice. At least have an open mind for now.

EXCLUSIVE: Insider gets insider the Koptalk hotel.

Using excellent espionage skills, one of our emailers, a friend of the blog, has managed to secure this secret photograph.

This is the first photo to be leaked from inside the new high-class Koptalk hotel facilities.

Actually it’s the second photo, the other one didn’t make for pleasant viewing, seeing as it was taken from behind two-way mirrors in the manager’s bathroom.

Q: Where’s my book? Well, not quite.

I’ve no idea who “jrobbo” is but I’m surprised he was allowed to ask this question, and even more surprised to see it still there this morning. No doubt he’s been banned by now, seeing as he’s still only got 2 posts.  Not quite “Where’s my book?” but near enough.

jrobbo Trialist Posts: 2
29-06-06 06:51 PM – Post#246814

Your book Anfield Exposed looks like it’ll be a terrific read; just wondering how many have pre-ordered it?

Terrific site mate.

-Robbo

Dunk KopTalk Editor Posts: 1955 Loc: KOPTALK
29-06-06 08:07 PM – Post#246865
In response to jrobbo

Only 2 posts? Newbie eh…

Having not dealt with the pre-orders I couldn’t tell you. Even if I had, I still wouldn’t.

He then follows it with his flasher-mac-wearing emoticon.  No idea why.

I’m sure someone can remember him bragging at some point in the past at having, knowing his ways, “tens of thousands of orders” from “99.9% of the community” for the book. I’m only guessing there, but I’m sure he will have done at some point in the past.

I wonder if he’d send us half-a-dozen signed copies to give away in a competition?

Delia Johnson – Koptalk agony aunt

We couldn’t believe it yesterday when we saw this special offer from the fat one. His site doesn’t meet “accessibility” standards in any way shape or form so chances are most people who got this discount would actually be unable to use it. Still, at least it’s a different percentage than his usual one.

Perhaps we should get someone from one of the charities for people with sight difficulties to check the offer out, along with his claims to already have blind members.

Dunk KopTalk Editor Posts: 1939
Loc: KOPTALK
29-06-06 09:10 AM – Post#245954

From today anyone who is registered as blind will be entitled to a 50% discount of all Insider & Gold Club subscriptions.

This isn’t a gag… we already have blind members signed-up but we plan to make things a little easier for them, starting by softening the blow on their pockets.

We’re also offering blind members a free email service so that we can email them a digest of reports to save them going through the various topics.

Blind members either use special word recognition software to read the site or they have friends who read to them.

At first we thought it was just a straightforward Duncan Oldham bullshit special. Best to laugh and move on. But now we know why he’s doing it. It seems he talks regularly to girls with eyesight problems. A member of the Insider site was asking for advice on how best to approach a girl he fancied. She works in a bar. Along came the big fat sweaty liar with his words of wisdom on how Dunk “Del” Oldham pulls the birds. (This is the happily married Del of course, who never steps out of line in his marriage.) Why do I keep thinking of “Only Fools and Horses”. Does he think he is a Trotter? He has Trotters instead of feet, but that’s another story. Either he’s making it up (as if) or the girls can’t see him. Fatty’s advice…

First up mate, you need to do your history and find out if she’s a tart. Ok… if she’s a tart nice one if that’s all what you want but if you think she’s better than that, you need to check out her background a little.

You can do this by dropping in the place on a regular basis preferably when it’s not too busy. Now I don’t know what kind of bar it is and this important when you consider your style and approach.

If it’s a good old fashioned pub, nice one. You stroll in with your Mirror newspaper and buy yourself a pint. You sit down and you mill through the paper as if life is just breezing by. “No work today?” she asks… “Nah.. thought I’d go for a walk and have a pint, maybe a bite to eat.”

Now if you get a few lines out of her you should be able to detect if she’s just small talking you like Old Bill sat in the corner with his pipe. As it starts to get busier if locals come in, you’ll get to know if she’s flirt or just a nice lass.

Now if it’s a trendy bar it’s going to be harder. You need to pop in with a mate and have yourself a drink, maybe a bottle. “Get yourself one, hun” and look away while she thinks “awww bless him” or “mug”. Don’t stare at her and get all excited if she says “thanks”, just make out it’s the thing you do when you go out and that it’s no big deal right because you’re a nice lad right?!

Whatever kind of pub, if you go in half a dozen times you should be able to find out what she’s like without having to stalk her.

Now if you don’t want all the bullshit of visiting back and forth, maybe it’s not close to home or work for example, go for the good old fashioned route… flowers. But you have to be careful not to be tacky. Probably the worst thing you can do is sign your name, “an admirer” can be teasing and fun. Leave it a while and then you can, if you’re on talking terms a bit later, make reference to admiriring people etc i.e. get the coincide stuff in (hint).

But you leave yourself open for ridicule if the flowers thing goes wrong so be easy. If it’s a bar you don’t usually go to and nobody knows you, you’re sound with that but if everyone knows you, it’s a bit of a gamble.

Now confidence is obviously a concern and regards looks, don’t put yourself down. Most good looking lads – with the exception of me – are w*nkers. Girls don’t like lads that are up their own a*rse.

I can pull a bird no problem even at 20 stone (blog that ye fecker), especially if in the company of other lads. If we go out in a group, I’m the one that does the talking. Why? I’m not the best looking and I certainly don’t have the body but I have the gift of the gab. I’m cheeky and I use the odd joke etc but not like a loud comedian or it will put them off ya.

Now you see my style is this. I’d get to know her little as a customer. Then when you’re on first name terms I’d lean on the bar and start coming out with “God… if only I was a fit lad… maybe then you’d marry me eh” – I’d then shake me head and look all sad but in a daft way to make her laugh.

Trust me, Dunk knows best…

She works in a bar right so she’s used to d*ckheads so you have to distance yourself from the “get your coat you’ve pulled” brigade. If someone’s been a cocky tw*t and she’s working.. get your drink and say to her (in reference to the d*ckehead) “I remember when I had my first drink”, hopfully she’ll laugh.. if she doesn’t she’s a miserable fecker.

Laugh, mock or put me down… it always works for me. Be yourself. Have a laugh but don’t be so serious. Be a d*ck and she’ll elbow you before you’ve started.

Now if you find out she’s a tart, just give her one if that’s your thing.

I must be getting old because I’d rather have an ice cold pint and a 5-1 winner than have a sh*g.

Although saying that I was in a bar in Durham with a mate a few weeks back… this lovely lass behind the bar… God she was nice.. I says to her “Please could you call the police?”

She asked why I said “Because I’m getting old and I really shouldn’t be thinking the things I am about you… I’ve decided it would be safer all round if I was locked up”.

She wet herself and we had a good laugh and a joke. Now if you carried that kind of line off with attitude you’d come across as a d*ck…. but say it innocently and not seedy i.e. make it fun, and everyone gets a laugh even if it’s at your expense.

If you really think you’re not all that I’d say that to the lasses. I’m a fat c*nt so I poke fun at meself all the time to which I get “awwww… don’t say that you’re lush you” and I just go all daft and say “yeh.. I suppsoe I’m the man really”… be daft and if she can’t take a joke, feck her. That statement applies to everyone in life.

(And another shout out to us. Thanks Dunk. You seem to have a rare form of Tourettes. We’ve never had so many high-quality laughs in one week. Keep ‘em coming. Yesterday was our new record for hits by the way.)